reality rewind

20 years

2008-05-15T23:29:00.000-07:00

We're supposed to know something about ourselves... something concrete- something that has value. Today is my twentieth birthday and I don't know anything about me. Sure- there are little things... things that make me who I am- but they're changeable.

What about myself never changes? What beliefs do I foster that will never go away? What is it about me that, if you took it away- I wouldn't be me anymore?

20 years old...

damn

getting old?

2008-04-14T17:19:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't it be great to APPEAR young forever?
I think I'd like to be done at 85... but look 25...

hrmmm

2008-04-11T15:43:00.000-07:00

project your self
so the color you see
is
the color you
live

i am blue- loving every bit of me-
and parts of you
live

to satisfy your body
at any cost
live

2008-04-11T15:42:00.000-07:00

speak so you hear
yourself
above any other
voice

the power of reasons is universal
listen- but hear YOUR voice
be in tune with your senses-
- and discover a melody so sensual, pleasing, and unique

you have no choice
but to use
your

voice

Hardly

2008-04-11T15:40:00.000-07:00

touch my soul
find my love
and use if to your advantage

because what we say and what we mean
are
two separate realms of existence
like a fire- it burns
yet I'm cold... freezing cold

the warmth doesn't touch me
it runs- finds a worthy hose
to transfer emotion

i am numb now
and the sickness grows
with each breath
i hold-- try not to breathe

but your eyes...
they take my breath away
they stop the sickness
they keep me warm

love? Hardly...

Gay Men Suck (Continued)

2008-04-03T14:38:00.000-07:00

Just over two and a half months ago- I met a guy. He is fun, smart, cute, and mentally stimulating (a huge plus). This guy and I talked for a couple weeks before I made a move... a quick kiss- in my car. It was short, sweet, and had sexy written all over it. From that moment on- I was hooked on what I didn't know; I needed to know.

He's the first guy... the first guy I ever started to develop feelings for- and it felt scary. I distanced myself to an extent that confused him and, ultimately, paved the way for the absolute worst event- he hooked up with his ex-boyfriend.

We never had a discussion regarding exclusivity- even though he alluded to wanting that from me many, many times. Officially- we weren't... he and I were not in a relationship. Of course- regardless of that fact, it still hurt me- a lot.

I'm an idiot, though. Just recently, I have decided to try and make it work with this guy. For some reason- regardless of all the shit that has happened, it seems to me- worth it. I mean- there are so many things about him that I find interesting, and smart. That's not something that I come across often- at all (especially in this town). Why is it that, after this shitty situation, I am willing to put myself out there ONCE AGAIN- fully realizing that there is a potential for him to do this again.

the conversation is great
the sex is phenomenal
he is amazing

gay men suck

gay men suck

2008-03-30T17:45:00.000-07:00

What is the condition of love and relationships in 2008? In what direction are we headed?

more to come...

2008-03-24T19:08:00.000-07:00

Never build walls in this life; it isn't worth it to compartmentalize anything. Our passions mixed with experience create and emotion- what that emotion is, unfortunately, is not up to us. The reaction to that emotion, however, is what we have complete control over. Life is too short to be unhappy- or stressed. Of course- these things will happen. When stuck in traffic- don't be stuck. Listen to your favorite song- call up a friend you haven't spoken with in awhile. Never be the victim in any episode of life.

Lately my greatest therapy is to smile. It does wonders for the body- and the soul.

2008-03-18T21:06:00.001-07:00

I'm heading to New York tomorrow morning.
Pretty excited.
love it.

Maybe I'll see you guys out and about!

2008-03-04T09:42:00.000-08:00

this last month and a half has been crazy.
I've met someone
he is great-
not in a relationship...
taking things slow.

Everything is setting in
I'm becoming comfortable with myself
I'm meeting more people
I'm helping more people
it makes me happy

i hope you're happy

2008-02-19T14:29:00.001-08:00

so ready for summer! I can't stand it anymore.... seriously- when I walk outside and it's a whopping 28 degrees- I want to punch a baby.

Thankfully- I don't know anyone who is currently with child.

2008-02-12T16:23:00.000-08:00

such a douche
but i love it

2008-02-07T08:08:00.000-08:00

UPDATE: I am not a depressed headcase... I swear.

Tuesday:

Tuesday was pretty interesting. I woke up- immediately realizing what month it was (My brother who passed away in September has a birthday on the 22nd of this month), and almost immediately after that was when I started to feel a little upset. I had class at 11:00-- which is a worthless event in and of itself (the class is bullshit), came home, and took a MUCH NEEDED nap. When I woke up- I had several text messages requesting my appearance at the bars... Mardi Gras.

Next thing I know I'm in the shower blaring a Britney song and getting ready to go. After that, I'm on my way to get the boys. On my way, I noticed that the snow was coming down pretty hard (this was about 10:00 P.M.). Not paying much attention to that situation- I stopped off at a friends house, had a couple of drinks and left again; still- the snow was coming down pretty hard. As soon as I had reached my second to last destination- it was already two inches deep (not a big deal, right?). I packed everyone in my car, drove to the bars, and had a good night. That is... until they called LAST CALL and we went outside to find six inches of fresh powder covering the streets of Lawrence (and my car). Being the driver means you have to drop people off! How disappointing... What's worse is I had my roommate with me and, since my apartment is closest to the bars, he was the first to be dropped off! Uhg... whatever- it's not a big deal. I didn't get in an accident- if that's what you were thinking. Just giving you the little update on Tuesday night.

Wednesday:

SNOW DAY! Can you fucking beleive it? This University never EVER, EVER cancels class... and they called a fucking snow day. I was so shocked- it's not even funny. Because it was snowing so much- I stayed at a friends house; slept in til' 10:00, and headed back to my apartment to do some more sleeping. By the time I had woken up at 2:30- the roads were clear! So, realizing that I had spent around $50.00 at the bars the night before, I knew I had to make my way to O.P. and grab some dough from my parents (fresh out after that little adventure).

Then I came home, took a shower- and went to sleep again! It's so interesting, my life- right?

Currently- I am sitting on campus at a univeristy computer (which so convienently sports a label stating how I paid for the machine) getting ready to go into my 11:00 A.M. BULLSHIT class and loving life.

Ain't it a bitch, though?

2008-02-05T12:45:00.001-08:00

When certain feelings or emotions collide with one another- the result doesn't always appear to be happy. I'm lost. I'm so scared- and alone... and I know this- and it hurts. But I'm wading... taking on water and I'm about to sink.

My mother and I haven't spoken in a month. My brother died just this past September- and I'm just now feeling the shock.

My method is in my smile... and as long as I'm doing that- as long as I keep smiling... I'll be fine.

2008-02-04T20:11:00.000-08:00

That's how you get em' girl!

Haha- Love that song...

ANYWAY- this week has been pretty interesting. I am tired- sick of school, the snow- and totally ready for summer.

Hope you guys are doin' good...
sure as hell know I am.

2008-01-29T16:50:00.000-08:00

word

Songs I'm ADDICTED to:

Nicole Scherzinger:Puakenikeni
The Bird and the Bee: Fucking Boyfriend
Sugababes: Hole in the Head
Rihanna: Don't Stop The Music
Ultra: Sun in SHINING
Beyonce: Green Light

This week has been really, really interesting. I've been buying itunes music like crazy- and it's hitting the bank account HARD. I've been going to class and everything has been really good... like- fun... and it's exciting.

2008-01-24T16:28:00.000-08:00

We think that we're so educated on life when everything is going smoothly. We're under the impression that nothing can hurt us- half the time. It has always been my experience that- when things appear to be going smoothly... I am anticipating disaster.

I guess you could say that it's a terrible way to look at the world. My life has not been easy to say the least- so I find this cushion of doubt to be quite comfortable when a bomb happens to drop. In life you get as many chances as you need... as you want- really. I am only now seeing that I have not taken every opportunity to be a happier person. I'm doing myself an injustice.

I know I've said it a thousand times on this blog- but shit... we just want to be happy. We just want the chance to go out and feel free to be who we are, think as we wish, and become the individuals that we see ourselves being. There are, of course, those little moments when we're unable to deal... and those are the stepping stones to achieving happiness.

Today was a terrible day.

A Poison Tree

2008-01-23T10:02:00.000-08:00

I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.

And I watered it in fears,
Night and morning with my tears;
And I sunned it with smiles,
And with soft deceitful wiles.

And it gew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright;
And my foe beheld it shine,
And he knew that it was mine,

And into my garden stole
When the night had veiled the pole:
In the morning glad I see
My foe outstretched beneath the three.

-- William Blake

Word for word- this poem represents my relationship with my roommate, Zach. He and I are both gay and, on more than one occasion, he has admitted to me that sees me as a threat to his friendships and lifestyle. I, personally, don't agree... for if I really found him a threat I'd be setting him up for disaster like the foe in this poem.

what.the.fuck

2008-01-21T00:43:00.000-08:00

Really... I'm not even that cute. I just want to go out and have a good time. I don't want you guys to grab my ass... I don't want you to talk a bunch of bullshit in my ear... I just want to RELAX.

2008-01-12T14:00:00.000-08:00

When we're not open about being gay... it's entirely too easy for us to handle social pressure. If someone doesn't like us- that's fine... because we're not really being ourselves. However, once we've come out... it's like we're entirely different animals.

At every stage of life we are presented with a new set of social standards. We're expected to act a certain way, dress a certain way; some would even go as far as to say that we are ultimately destined to LIVE a certain way. This is wrong- this is unlife.

I came out nearly a year ago at the age of eighteen. Prior to that day I was living in denial. If someone had an issue with me or my personality, it wasn't a problem; that person didn't really know me. Now that I've come out, though, I find myself nervous in certain social situations. I catch myself wondering whether or not to say something... or backtracking and reliving what I'd already said in order to be safe. For some strange reason, I have this inability to accept social criticism when I am being entirely MYSELF.

This is what pulls me away from my homosexuality; a new set of emotions regarding awareness. Ultimately- this is what I need to change. Not only do I have to realize that being who I am is as good as it gets- but I also have to operate in a state of mind that forces me to believe that other people think this way too.

lovin' all of you,

cammo

2008-01-10T09:42:00.000-08:00

New York City is calling my name. I hear her... but a lack of cash is preventing me from getting there.

To be honest, I don't really know where this obsession with the city came from. I've only been once and apparently that's all it took. I think that I have a real future there- in the city... and if I apply myself to this PR internship- moving there could be a major reality!

I've often wondered, though- what would my life look like if that was the decision that I chose to make. If, in fact, I did have enough money to move to the city... what would I do? Where would I meet people? Would the first couple of months be spent in solitude? Would I fall in love?

I have a fear that my vision of life in the city is so SEX AND THE CITY. I mean- I have to know somewhere in the back of my mind that life isn't going to be like that fantasy world. However, if it were- or the possibility of something like that happening were true... shouldn't I at least try?

I'm all about envisioning things now- accepting the fact that the universe does listen if you project the right thoughts. I need to focus on this a lot more if I want to get where I know I should be going.

Oh well... we'll see.

If anyone out there wants to pay my way to NYC... I'm down!

2008-01-09T18:28:00.001-08:00

the

many

shades of gray

2008-01-08T20:13:00.001-08:00

It feels like it's been way too long since I've felt any warmth. I need to go someplace tropical: spring break 08'

Choices:
1) Brazil- RECIEFE
2) Puerto Vallarta
3) New York City
4) Los Angeles, California
5) STAY home

what to do... what to do...

I'm horny as hell by the way
uhg

2008-01-08T19:52:00.001-08:00

ENUR
<3

pigged out today
hardcore...
oh well- work out hard in the morning : )

2008-01-08T09:14:00.000-08:00

So I got into a major fight with my roommate last night. Until about midnight last night I was completely clueless as to what had happened the night before. Zach filled me in on some things- and then proceeded to tell me that the guy I had made out with slept in Zach's bed and gave him a blow job. Yum, right?

I'm not in love with the guy or anything- I WAS attracted... but it's definitely a whorish action on both their parts. Zach is not a looker by any stretch of the imagination (maybe I'm not either) and, in my opinion, the guy that "blew him off" made a bad decision (he was also drunk).

The only reason Zach tells me these things, however, is to try and make me feel upset. Zach has some serious body conscious issues and every time someone hooks up with him he likes to rub it in my face. 100% Annoying...

All this makes me want to do is work out harder and be even more in shape than I am now (which is exactly what I'm going to do). I know it sounds like I'm hitting him at his level- but if someone is going to try that hard to hurt me... why wouldn't I take advantage of an opportunity to hurt him while also improving the health and appearance of my body?

You guys are great.
this shit is like therapy

2008-01-07T19:58:00.000-08:00

simple breath to take
undefined resolution
an expensive drink

I don't really know what 2008 has in store for me. I know that- as a modification of the self- I want to take better care of... myself; not strictly health wise- but really take care of myself. Increase knowledge, live life... be happy- all that jazz. It all sound so appealing.

This semester- grades are a must. I can't dick around anymore. The internship is helping me out in the long run... I have to hit that GPA hard.

I've yet to find someone... I think I'm too reserved. Maybe I should just succumb and have sex- stop holding back because I'm afraid of what might happen. Isn't lust worth it? That feeling of being so close to another person? Why am I scared... because this gay life terrifies me.

I want to change up my personality- make beneficial modifications. I want to be more laid back and less concerned with everything that's around me.

I'd like to start meditating... even though I don't know how.

breathe people
cammo

2008-01-07T18:22:00.000-08:00

I do not feel well.
Don't Binge Drink
It Is NOT good FOR you!

I am having major issues with a friend
I just got put at the head of a major assignment at my internship- and it's going to be very stressful
school starts in like... 8 days

2008 be kind to me.

2008-01-06T11:37:00.000-08:00

I want to drink tonight... but there is almost no one in Lawrence.
BULLSHIT

200?

2007-12-30T17:29:00.000-08:00

Slogan of 2008: No worries

My plan is to take some trips to Colorado. I have never been skiing in my entire life; this needs to change. Snow sports are so much fun. I love to snowboard whenever I get the opportunity. Living in Kansas though... well- let's just say I don't get that many chances to board.

In the summer, though, I am thinking about doing some frequent wakeboarding. My brother taught me how to do it just before he died in September... and ever since then I have been in love with the idea. I'm not too good yet- but I plan on getting better at it. It's something he would have been proud to see me do.

Today was interesting enough. I work a retail job part time/temporary over the holiday break... just for some extra cash (god knows I need it). The funny thing is, though, that I keep calling in. Last week I called in sick TWICE. I've just let them know that I have a pretty serious case of strep throat. I went in this morning and left early... relaxation fo' sho.

After I got home, I took a little bit of a nap and then went to the gym. Now I'm sitting here spending money that I don't have on the internet! WHOOPIEE!!! Really, I'm just buying music. I love music- totally moves the soul.

__________

I want to get involved in some new things next semester, too. I mean- the opportunity to play a sport- like... club ultimate frisbee or something would be really fun. I don't know- I just feel like I need to meet some new people. Last semester was so restricted to the same group- and that really, really pisses me off.

I've really been wanting to meet someone too. I don't care if it's a guy or a girl (right now I'm feeling pretty gay... so we'll say a guy). But yes- I want to have a relationship. It's about time.

peace and love,

cammo

2007-12-29T21:22:00.000-08:00

I have never been a fan of new years resolutions. This year- I am simply making some modifications... for the self.

I have been working so much lately it is making my head spin. I called into my retail job today and told them that I had strep throat... but I have to work in the morning and I obviously won't be showing any symptoms. My best option is to buy some throat lozenges for the smell factor... uhg- I hate lying.

2007 was crazy though... and I can't believe that it's almost been a year since I came out! What a fucking NUTSO situation.

Anyway- all my best to you guys in 08'

cam

2007-12-20T04:52:00.000-08:00

To be cultured and intelligent is much more valuable than anything else in this world.
That's something I would aspire to be in 2008... to increase my intelligence.

2007-12-18T21:02:00.000-08:00

I was woken up at around 9:00 in the morning; my mother had told me to take a shower because my Dad was coming to pick me up. Before I knew it- he was in the driveway and I was out the door. It was my 11th birthday... May 16, 1999.
When I had left, my Mom hadn't even wished me a happy birthday... it didn't bother me though- I was going back to her place at the end of the day anyway... so I didn't let it bother me too much.

I went to my grandparents house with my Dad to find the usual surprise awaiting. My Dad's side of the family was there to bestow gifts upon me and enjoy endless amounts of cake and ice cream. The day of fun had turned into night and signaled that it was time for me to go back home to my Mom's.

When I arrived back into the driveway, two bags full of gifts and one half eaten birthday cake richer... there were no lights on in the duplex. There was no indication that something was planned and absolutely no sign of anything happy in sight. I walked up to the front door, put my key in the knob, and swung it wide open so I could fit all of my bags through.
At the time- part of me was wishing that the lights would flick on and another birthday party was in store for me... but this wasn't the case. The only light came from the cracks of my mother's bedroom door.

"Mom, I'm home," I said. She returned my comment with an, "OKAY!"

I got all of my stuff into the duplex, flicked the lights so my Dad knew it was okay to leave, and locked the front door.
It was about ten minutes before my Mom emerged from her bedroom and sat down in front of me. She took up the bags with all of my gifts and went through them- saying nice things like, "Oh -that's really cool," and "looks like you got a good haul this year!"

Then, she took my half eaten birthday cake with the six remaining candles, lit them- and started to sing happy birthday.

When she finished, she looked at me and she said- "Now Cameron- I want you to know that I love you very, very much... but I just couldn't afford to get you anything for your birthday this year."

Immediately- I started to cry. I didn't need any gifts from her- nothing material could replace the level of love I was receiving at that very moment. I wrapped my arms around her tight and didn't let go for what seemed like forever.

Today- my Mother battles a narcotic drug addiction as she tip toes on the line of overdose at least once a week. I can't seem to make the same connection with her that I was able to as a child. I miss that woman so much... how she used to be.
Lately- I've been taxing my brain- trying to think of a way to tell her that I love her so.

2007-12-15T17:40:00.000-08:00

I just got done working.
I worked yesterday 10:00-5:00
today 11:00-7:00
tomorrow 9:30-5:00...

bullSHYAT.

Basically- I work seven days a week. How awesome is that? Pretty fucking awesome. Haha- today was good though. I raked in the $$$.

2007-12-14T20:41:00.001-08:00

I've gained some weight... people say that's a good thing. I'm not so sure I like it- but who knows... everyone says I look better.

Today was my first day interning. I've received a spot as the Public Relations intern for a dermatologist skin care company. I'm pretty excited about it- I'm doing all of the mock ups for the European launch.

BSPEARS = amazing

2007-12-12T21:42:00.000-08:00

I just finished with my finals today. So happy about that- you don't even know. I'm ready to go home to the parents house, work on my internship, work on my body- and relax. That's what it's all about, right?

My Shakespeare final was complete bullshit though- thankfully... I was prepared.
However, I did find myself asking a question upon completing the exam. We had ten essays to complete in the allotted time frame... why the fuck would a professor want to grade that many essays? It seems completely 100% ridiculous to me.... but I guess that's why I'm not a professor!

I've been thinking about going for the shaggy Brad Pitt facial hair thing. This is college... my only opportunity to be shaggy. Maybe I'll let my hair grow out and get a gut too- drink beer every night? No... that doesn't seem to be an option for me. I am, however, looking to find a trainer. I have decided that- one of my new years resolutions... is to start training for olympic lifting.

I know that sounds like a really random resolution for 2008... Really- who wakes up and says, "I think I'd like to try olympic lifting today..."

Nobody- really...

BUT! You know how it is... random qualities about a person are what turns me on.

ciao boys,

cam

It's not...

2007-12-11T23:10:00.000-08:00

that hard. Let's be real here- I'm 20 years old and I shouldn't be thinking this much about sexuality. Do what feels good- right? AND- if I can FEEL something with both men and women- well... all the better for me.

Currently- I'm looking to associate myself with a different type of gay man; one that isn't afraid of getting dirty (not in that way- get your minds out of the gutter). I'm talking football, rugby, ultimate frisbee... the whole nine yards if you will.

So hard to find people... sooo hard to find.

2007-12-06T00:05:00.000-08:00

So I'm sitting here... shirtless in a pair of old sweat pants wearing a santa clause hat. Do I feel special... you bet your ass I do.

Here's the deal. Lately- as I'm sure you have all read- I have been questioning whether or not I'm gay. It's a difficult question to analyze and even more annoying to answer. While I cannot completely deny my sexual attraction to men- I can't refuse the same emotion towards women. However, the only factor that weighs heavily on the side of heterosexuality is the extreme physical + emotional connection I am able to have with women.

When I was seeing Ryan- it was cloudy. I was completely confused as to whether or not it was what I really wanted. There was never a time when I looked to the future and REALLY saw the two of us working out. Besides- the sexual aspect of the relationship made me ill. I think about it today and I feel a great sense of regret for doing what I did (not sex... but you can imagine).

Is this guilt a result of feeling uncomfortable about my sexuality? It's entirely possible. However, when I think about the lifestyle associated with homosexuality- I'm also entirely turned off. I have no desire to skip around, person to person- looking for random sex. I have, more than anything, a completely monogamous desire to be with another individual. Do I feel that this is more than likely to occur with a women who, at the end of the day, can (for me) achieve the same level of sexual stimulation that a man can? YES! Why not embrace the opportunity to live a lifestyle that is rewarding with respect to marriage, children, GROWING OLD...etc.

I believe that, at the end of the day, a person just has to do what makes him or her happy. In this instance- it is difficult to say. Sexually- could I be happy with a man? For sure- no problem. The same for a woman? Yes! With a man, could I be emotionally satisfied? I'm unsure... I honestly don't know. With a woman- Yes.

So, you see- my level of confusion is HIGH.

peace & love
cam

2007-12-04T19:31:00.001-08:00

Sexuality is a complex thing. Can I honestly say that I'm NOT attracted to men? No. Can I honestly say that I'm NOT attracted to women? No. Maybe this is my ability to love regardless of gender. Is this advantageous to my lifestyle? Maybe...

However- I have to pay attention to my future- and my dreams. I dream of having children- and a wife... What should I do?

sexual confusion

2007-11-29T13:47:00.000-08:00

I honestly don't think I'm gay. I think I've been really, really confused. I just don't feel gay anymore. I don't feel that attraction like I used to... well- not all the time.

I want to have that sexual connection with women again. I want to be part of the prowl. Rawr.

stand it

2007-11-29T07:16:00.000-08:00

I've always had a dream to do stand up comedy... and I'm going to go for it. I've been searching the internet for open mic locations and I've found a few. I'm really excited to get out there and try something new- to perform.

end post

never work retail

2007-11-23T18:20:00.000-08:00

on black friday.

I had to work this morning at 7:00. I went to bed around 3:00 A.M. Not fun... not fun at all.

I did get to watch fight club today. That makes me happy; it's one of my favorite movies.

I work 2:00 P.M. to close tomorrow which means I'm missing the KU VS. MU game tomorrow.
Bullshit... complete bullshit!

but my guys will do good- I have faith and no worries.

Macbook FUN

2007-11-22T21:55:00.002-08:00

B&W photography = love

2007-11-22T21:28:00.000-08:00

My coming out story + more

2007-11-22T17:56:00.000-08:00

It was an unusually cold night in March when I made the decision to go ahead and tell my parents that I'm gay. I was sitting in my dorm study room, working on some math homework- when that overall feeling of guilt every closeted gay man feels came over me. I decided right then and there, staring blankly at the gibberish on page 124 of my calc 1 textbook, that it was time to "come out." I packed up my shit, dropped my bag off in my room, and headed out to the parking lot. It was 7:30 P.M. I told myself that they would know by 8:45.

I remember sitting in my truck for a minute before I actually started it. The key was in the ignition and, because the door wasn't shut entirely, my truck was making that annoying beeping sound. I looked at my cell phone and the clock read 7:45. I had been sitting there for nearly 20 minutes just thinking. With that instant realization I turned the key; no turning back.

It wasn't half a second after I backed the truck out of the space that Mika's "Love Today" started blaring through the speakers. I had left my ipod in the truck just before going to the gym and, apparently, I didn't shut it off when leaving. I took it as a good sign and, to be honest, it made me feel a little bit better about the situation.

After about 40 minutes of mindless driving (way too much on my mind) I finally realized where I was. In an instant, as if I had just been slapped in the face, I noticed that I was taking the right turn into my neighborhood... the right turn that led to the immediate left and another right four houses down. Oh...my...god... I was at my house, randomly on a SCHOOL NIGHT. My parents were surely to know something was up- and they did.

Even before I was in the driveway they knew I was home. My truck had some exhaust modifcations that made it sound pretty good; a thunder if you will. Anyway- as soon as I pushed the button listed as "garage" my step mom poked her head out of the door and stood. I got out of the truck, walked into the garage and she said "whats wrong with you?"

"Nothing," I replied, nervous and aghast at her instantaneous realization of my mood. "I just wanted to come home for some REAL FOOD."

I walked into the house and it was exactly how I had pictured it would be. My dad was sitting in the hearth room in a pair of spongebob pajama bottoms and a KU sweatshirt watching the discovery channel. I came in, plopped down on the couch and said, "sup?"

I now realize how straight I was attempting to come off that entire moment. I would later find out that it was obvious I was so gay. Nevertheless- I was having second thoughts. I wasn't sure that it was the right time. My step mom didn't make second guessing myself any easier, though.

"So what's the deal," she said. "Why are you home this late on a school night? Why did you decide to drive in?"
"Uhh- well- you see... like I said- I was pretty hungry and school was stressing me out. I guess I just needed a change of scenery."
"Uh huh," she said. "I think you're lying."

This woman is good. She knew from the moment I stepped into that garage that something was on my mind. It was at that point that I decided to do it.

"Well," I said. "Well- you know... there are just some things about me - well, within me; I don't understand it all yet... and this is really hard to come out and say to you guys."

"What's happening," said my dad. "What's going on? Are you OK? Did you get someone pregnant? DO YOU NEED MONEY? I HAVE MONEY- HERE- I'LL WRITE YOU A CHECK NOW!"

As soon as he was finished speaking my step mom broke into tears. She yelled at him to shut up and to let me talk. She said that I had something really important to say. After she said that- it was lift off. With my head hanging low and staring straight at the floor- I blurted out "I'm Gay."

"Oh...," said my dad. "Well- why didn't you just saying something. You had me all worried that something BAD was happening. I have a lot of gay friends Cameron- whether you know that or not. Being gay isn't anything to be ashamed of. I love you so much more than you will ever know- and you are fine. This is fine. We, as a family, are completely fine."

I guess I can't be too shocked at what he said. He is the most sentimental man I have ever met in my entire life.
Finally- after so much waiting... so much negative anticipation for something that was so easy- I was free. I was free to be me and do what I wanted to do FOR ME. It was the biggest weight off my shoulders.

I don't know, exactly, why I thought it was necessary for me to tell this story. I guess it's because I'm having so many reservations about my homosexuality today. As I sit here- pounding away on this keyboard to a bunch of strangers- I know I'm gay. I know that, at the end of the day, I prefer the touch of a man as opposed to the feel of a woman. I know these things. What I don't know, however, is who am I as a gay man. I'm certainly not flamboyant like I've been trying to be for everyone else. I'm certainly not interested in taking on that "closeted out guy" persona either. I want the people who matter in my life to know that I am gay... but I don't want this to define me.

I think a lot of this is a lack of "guys, guys" gay guys in my life. I haven't met one masculine gay man and it's getting to me. I would love nothing more than to have a significant other in my life who I could not only be physical with- but be friends with to. I want a guy in my life that wants to do go and play a pick up game of basketball with me at the gym AND actually know how to play. I want a guy who would rather go see an action flick than a stupid musical about HAIRSPRAY.
I'm not looking for perfect. Perfect is boring. I'm looking for compatibility... and I haven't found it thus far. Where- when.. I don't know. Soon I hope... cause I'm breaking down.

2007-11-22T08:23:00.000-08:00

I don't know if I have ever written about this- but this September my brother died; he was 20.
I only mention it now because it's the holidays. I'm not sure how today is going to go for my family.

I realize, though, that I have so many things to be thankful for. I have so many things to look forward to. I have a father and sister who love me unconditionally. I have a future. I have so much when millions of people have so little.
This thanksgiving- it's not about the turkey. It's about all of those individuals out there who have little to be thankful for.

Society has a lot to do with the positions people are in- and it's sad that we operate in this heirarchy of materialism. Love is all you need, right?

Happy Thanksgiving you guys.

2007-11-20T23:19:00.001-08:00

Openly gay athlete Andrew Goldstein
Uploaded by nonightfan

The Finer Things In Life

2007-11-19T08:53:00.000-08:00

We totally take for granted. My other roommate ZACH decides to buy the generic PAPER THIN kind of toilet paper.
I, however, insist upon spending the extra $3.00 dollars for th Charmin 3 ply Jumbo pack.
Why, Zach, are you such a cheap son of a bitch? Why can't you just buy the nice TP?

class until 7:30 tonight.
yip-eeee

2007-11-18T22:15:00.001-08:00

Stewie On American Pop Idol - Family Guy - Episode 101

2007-11-18T20:09:00.001-08:00

Video Blogs

2007-11-18T14:06:00.000-08:00

Video Blog coming soon...
Get Excited!

2007-11-18T13:38:00.000-08:00

I have so many things to look forward to. After I graduate- I can go pretty much anywhere... and live my life in an entirely different way.

To be honest- I find extreme happiness in situations that are not quite comfortable. I would rather be thrown into the mix of things than be prepared. Does that sound weird? I find that it's more about me being able to cope under pressure. Something new... something fresh- always exciting, right?

Today was a total waste. It's 4:00 in the afternoon and I haven't done anything but shower and buy $3.00 worth of scratchers tickets from the gas station. Call me crazy- but I had a dream that I won lot of money last night... so I figured "hey- what the hell... luck is a sneaky bitch!"

I didn't win. So it goes.

I know in a recent post I said I was rejecting the possibility of dating someone. Well- that's not entirely smart. I mean - come on just because something isn't working for me right now doesn't mean that I have to give up. The right person will come around eventually. I can wait.

I've been reading an excellent blog. The blogger's name is Dave- and his website is www.breaktheillusion.com
He's pretty insightful and FUN. Rare these days... REALLY rare.

enjoy

2007-11-18T10:29:00.001-08:00

I wish I had my own place...
next year...
this year = no bueno.

I will not have roommates!

Act On Impulse

2007-11-18T09:17:00.000-08:00

It's not a great thing... but I think it makes me unique. For most of my life, the decisions I Have made have been made on impulse. My decision to join a Fraternity... impulse. The choice to drop the fraternity and move into the dorms... impulse.
My whacko choice to come out of the closet... impulse.

Basically... there is a running trend in my life. I make an impulse decision only to find myself going back on the decision later.
It's a shitty cycle... but I'm stuck here- living it.

The whole gay thing is a constant battle with me. Sometimes I wake up feeling comfortable with the idea. Other days it makes me sick to even think about some of the things that I have done. I'm human. I have EMOTIONS. However, the most taxing of them all involves sex. At one point during the day I'm checking out every guy that walks by me. At another- I'm looking at all the beautiful women that inhabit this campus.

It's so confusing! I wish I knew!
uhg... I wish something new would happen in my life.
something fresh.

2007-11-15T20:20:00.000-08:00

Super bad headache... ouch!
I hate that. I couldn't make it to the gym because of it and it definitely won't go away. Whatever man... WHAT-EVER!
Not to mention the fact that I have a cold sore now...
God damned stress! School is starting to get to me...things- are starting to get to me.

However, I am thinking about a career in public relations.
I need help!
me...

I am tired... and on the plaza... HELLO!

2007-11-15T14:21:00.000-08:00

No... Kansas City doesn't parallel that of NYC in any way, shape, or form. However- the night life, modern living, and overall atmosphere is more exciting than once believed. I'll leave it up to you guys to do the research. I just wanted to remind you that Kansas isn't just one big wheat field after another.

In other news... I'm looking for a new workout program! My goal is to put on 20lbs of muscle by this time next year.
If any of you are fitness nuts like I am- then I'm sure you'll sympathize with me when I say that PUTTING ON MUSCLE IS HARD WORK! I'm not talking about the gym either. As I'm sure you all know- building a solid body means EATING A SHIT TON! For me 2800 to 3200 calories PER DAY is necessary to put on muscle like I want. Health food, for the most part, is healthy because of the low calorie, fat, and sugar content. So- when sticking strictly to a clean, healthy diet- one has to eat a lot of clean, healthy foods. It aint' cheap either!

In other, other news: the search for a boy... is off! I'm done for awhile guys. I came across one- and I'm done for at LEAST a year. Haha- ok- maybe just a couple of moneys. It just seems to me that there aren't any decent guys my age out there. Every time I meet somebody the first thing on their mind is sex. That's not my deal. I want to me a decent, well rounded guy and Lawrence has given me no faith that they exist.

WHY?!

today

2007-11-15T07:42:00.001-08:00

- Class until 12:15
- Lunch With Dad
- Work on the screen play

It is extremely cold out today. I just ran out to my car shirtless and in basketball shorts... not a good idea... Now I'm freezing.
Uhg... I'm so sick of this class.
I have to hop in the shower.
MORE LATER!

CAM

Cold. Windly. Gloomy. YES!!!

2007-11-14T15:05:00.000-08:00

Do you know what this means? HUH? It means it's just about time to pull out my "out of my way... christmas shopping" sweatshirt!

haha- ok. My brother in law and I have a little tradition. The day after thanksgiving EVERY YEAR he and I hit up the stores for all of the crazy sales. No- it isn't because we're tight for cash... it's because it is quite possibly the most hilarious event of the season. We run around yelling "IT'S MINE!" I know- it sounds totally immature (it is) but it is SO MUCH FUN!

In other news: I'm looking for a new work-out routine. I need more complex lifting ideas- so, if you know anything -feel free to send it my way!

(Sarah and I at a halloween party. I was myself. Fun huh?)

2007-11-06T16:30:00.000-08:00

I wish I had the ability to randomly hook up like a lot of other guys do.

Many of you know about my opposition to promiscuity when it comes to sex. Sometimes, however, I do wish I were less inhibited and had the ability to let loose. I, like every other man (gay or straight) am a slave to constant sexual desire. My personal beliefs, however, prevent me from satisfying my urges. On the one hand I realize that I'm young, athletic, and entitled to a bit of fun. On the other, though, I am extremely terrified of contracting a disease, or building a bad reputation.

What can I do? Absolutely nothing.

My debt situation is certainly coming back to haunt me. I'm about $2500 in and my only income comes from my parents. What am I going to do? Sure, if I ask them- they will take care of it- but it's so irresponsible and unfair on my end.

I've recently started to see a shrink. For a huge chunk of my life I was completely against the idea of "seeing someone."
It's been a positive though. He is helping me to identify my impulse at the start- and curb it so it doesn't turn into a regrettable decision.
He also doesn't believe that I'm at the point in my life where I can make a definite decision regarding my sexuality. He beleives that I need to have more experiences in order to determine that. I'm not sure if I agree with him... sometimes.
He brings up some really good points.

Anyway- I guess that should satisfy my committment to blogging for now.
I hope you all have a good week.

CAM

2007-11-06T15:45:00.000-08:00

I hate school right now :)

2007-11-06T07:55:00.003-08:00

Should I go into dentistry?

I think I should...
I think, I think, I think...

2007-10-31T11:27:00.000-07:00

The situation got crazy... and I had absolutely no idea how to deal with anything that had been happening.

At the beginning, Ryan seemed to be this really good guy; he still is. The idea of a realtionship scares me, though. How was I supposed to deal with the shit he was saying? Everything had a hint of "long term" in it- and that isn't anything that interests me what-so-ever.

I had to end it- even though it was all great. He was the first guy I ever did anything with...
That's ok though. However- I feel like I've used one of my "hook up" cards. I can't do anything with anyone for a couple of months now. I know- it sounds stupid... but I play the game of STAYING SAFE and making sure my REPUTATION is good. Stupid? Not at all.

The last thing anyone wants to be recognized as is a slut... that- indefinitely- is not me.

In other news- School is starting to wind down a little bit. Last week was pretty stressful- but I handled it like a champ... no worries. I'm sure I'll end up with good grades- so that at least makes me really, really happy.
The major thing is still on my mind- I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. One day I want to write, the next day I want to be a doctor- the other... uhg- a nurse? I have absolutely no fucking idea!

The only thing that sucks about wanting to be a doctor is the fact that you're in school for a MILLION YEARS!
If I'm compaining- maybe I shouldn't be a doctor- right? Or maybe.

THen again- there is that idea of being a Lawyer. The only thing that scares me about that route is the fact that there are SO MANY lawyers out there. You have to be really, really good. REALLY good.

Then there is the dentistry thing. I could walk into my dads practice and make bank. Maybe that is what I should do. I think that I could do the dental school thing- It makes the most sense- and it isn't like I couldn't do it. I would love to take that shit over- and make good money- and be financially secure for the rest of my life.

Plus- I would also love to work along side my dad.
Maybe... just maybe. That is what I'm going to do- or at least that is what I think I'm going to do as of right now :)

Anyway- I'm sporatic with my thoughts at the moment.
love ya guys,

cam

WOW

2007-10-30T11:35:00.000-07:00

OK-no lie... this is one of her best albums PERIOD. Sure- she isn't on par with vocals like Mariah or Christina for that matter- but this is an album that people can DANCE to- and that is exactly what we want. Britney- I applaud your efforts. You rock... DO IT BITCH!

A [not so] scary halloween

2007-10-29T11:37:00.000-07:00

So basically I didnt' have a costume. However- I did have a pair of white Armani pants and some wings from last year. What was I? An angel- of course (to all of my straight friends- I was the dude from X-men 3).

It was a pretty fun night to say the least. I went out, had a couple of drinks, and made some new friends. Don't think I could have asked for a better outcome!

How was everyone elses halloween?

2007-10-27T17:51:00.000-07:00

BEING GAY IS HARD!

So, basically, I've made the decision to put myself out there a little bit more. Guess what happened? IT WAS A TOTAL SHITSTORM!

The first time I go out with a huge group of gays- I build a repuation... and it's untrue NOT TO MENTION negative!
Apparently I'm dirty (even though I'm a virgin) and "unsafe."
Sweet- I go out one night and some envious faggot decides to talk shit about me. Not cool- not... fucking...cool.

It turns me off that much more- I have absolutely no desire to be associated with all of these people. All I want to be is RESPECTED. No- I do not care what people say about me... however I do care to KNOW what people are saying about me- so I don't end up making a fool of myself LATER.

I hate the gays...

2007-10-15T11:07:00.000-07:00

Uhggg. I just got out of my Western Civ class and it was a total slap in the face... by fucking reality! I'm so sick of this shit! My classes are so mundane and boring it makes me want to vomit.

This morning was good tough, I'm not too picky. But I wont lie- I took the dropping of my cell phone onto the edge of the curb and subsequent bouncing onto the pavement as a bad sign. Since then- things have been bueno.

I've been trying to come up with reasons as to why I am so mixed about the Ryan situation. I texted him last nigt and asked him if he was seeing anyone else (it wouldn't matter if he had). He said he had gone out on a few dates before me, but not I have his "full attention." I replied with a clever, "It wouldn't have mattered, but I want you to know that you have my undivided as well."

... I think he liked that.

On one hand, I see the potential for he and I to be a couple. On the other, however, I am questioning whether or not I want that in my life. He is so cute and such a nice guy... I just don't feel it 100% yet.
Part of me also beleives that we might be moving a little fast. On the second date he and I had already slept together (no sex-literally sleep) and made out. On the third- lots of feeling... last night- even more feeing. The fourth date is sure to bring some contact of a more pleasurable nature. Am I ready for this? I think so... I guess I'm afraid of being used- but then again... whose using who?

As a first timer, however, there are some things that I am... well- concerned about going into my first gay sexual experience. I mean, just because I'm a gay man doesn't mean that I don't compete like a straight one. What if Ryan is bigger than me? That would be so embarrassing (however, I don't believe it to be so, as I have never felt him enough to make me think he was stacked)! What if I'm not doing something right- or I end up giving bad head or something. God- I feel like a 15 year old girl who is about to give her first hand-job.
I know, I know. It's really stupid for me to be concerned about all of this shit. All I should be focusing on is whether or not I'm going to have a good time.

I have also found myself wondering when the appropriate time to have sex is. Questions...???

"Tap your heels three times..."

2007-10-15T07:25:00.001-07:00

In my opinion, admitting to yourself things ABOUT yourself is one of the more difficult things to do.
Step 1: Start it here....

topic: Maybe I have a slight eating disorder??

2007-10-14T23:21:00.000-07:00

It's funny how recent things can be- but how distant everythin else becomes.

I'm talking about priorities and how they can take a back seat to a love interest. Mine totally have... haha (NOT GOOD).

Ryan has been awesome. Ryan's friend Grant, Ryan, and myself went to brio and ate some italian cuisine tonight. It was REALLY tasty. Then he and I decided to go back to his place and watch his three favorite shows in succession (that home show where they rebuild a house for a struggling family, desperate housewives, and brothers and sisters. Uhg- I need to apologize to you guys... I haven't been bothering to use proper grammar in this post- that annoys me...

Anyway- we watched his shows and did some stuff in between.
God that kid is sexy!
But I dunno... I'm not sure if I beleive everything that comes out of his mouth.

We'll just have to see.

Relationship potential: yes.
Getting carried away: no.

LOVES IT,

CAMERON

lightning

2007-10-13T19:38:00.001-07:00

With every touch of his hand to my bare body came a surge of electricity that I'd never felt before.
I wanted him bad... really bad. I could have had him too- but I stopped myself.

Why???

I'm a major catch- I won't lie; a challenge too. Just because he's incredibly sexy, smart, fun, and entertaining doesn't mean I'm going to give it up on the second night. But, like I said- I wanted him. I REALLY wanted him.

Is it possible that Ryan is "that" guy, though? By "that" guy- I mean... is he the first guy that I've considered to be a real possibility and now I'm thinking into it too much? I'll be completely honest- Ryan is someone, for me at least, who makes me realize that I actually am gay- and for that I'm thankful. I'm not sure if you guys are clued into it or not- but I have been really confused lately; Ryan has opened an entirely new door for me. It's such a fucking turn on.

More later.

2007-10-11T18:12:00.000-07:00

I had an absolutely amazing night last night. Ryan invited me over and we had some wine... talked- just a really great night that ended with me spending the night.

I told myself that I wasn't going to let that happen, however, his eyes... they're so sexy.
We didn't have sex- so don't get any wild ideas.

I really like the fact that he respects my "newness." This is the first time that I'm taking a relationship possibility seriously. He has a good head on his shoulders, goes to work...school. He's a really nice guy... and I'm talking about him WAY too much.

2007-10-10T05:56:00.000-07:00

Have a great day everybody!

Nothing like a good shower

2007-10-09T20:32:00.000-07:00

Seriously guys... we all know it. There is absolutely nothing better than a good shower.
I just got out... smellin' good- feelin good.

I'm a little concerned at the fact that I haven't been working out as hardcore as I usually do. I'm actually getting comfortable not being all obsessd- and that concerns me. In order to maintain a body that you want, you have to work at it- and I'm definitely slacking off. However, my diet is still clean.

The funny thing is, after you cut out all the shit from your diet, you don't want it anymore. You feel so much better eating things that are good for you rather than eating the shit that is bad. For instance, I haven't had fast food in FOREVER- but I just indulged with a friend on some wings at Buffalo Wild Wings and, about 20 minutes later, I was feeling like shit. It was like this heavy piece of lead was sticking in my stomach and there was no way to get rid of it!

You're probably wondering what the point of this post is. To be honest, I am not entirely sure. I'm just talking, really.
Things have advanced with the boy. He is spending the night on Thursday, apparently, and I am unsure of whether or not I am ready for that to happen. I don't know why, but I'm just not comfortable with myself lately. I'm not one of those people that can ignore their faults and just go with it- I hate that about me!

I have the second part of my Western Civ final tomorrow and I haven't started studying yet. I'm so fucking over it- it isn't even funny. I just want to get my shit done and have fall break- that's all! I would be working out and constantly playing x-box... if it fucking worked! My x-box 360 fucking decided to stop working and I can no longer fucking play Halo 3. I know you're all thinking, "well there are starving people in the world- I think you'll live." Guess what- you're right.

It's been fun,
I'll "Talk at you later."

<3 me

Dance, Act, and LIVE

2007-10-09T10:40:00.000-07:00

It's funny how music represents certain chapters of your life. I can remember the songs that I was listening to when a gay reality started to set in. Recently I've been listening to a lot of Madonna. Her music just makes you want to dance. I love dancing.

I'm going through a lot of highs and lows right now. I can't stand it! Today I'm feeling neutral. There isn't anything too good- or bad. I'm just coasting. This fall break is going to be really good for me- even though it's only four days. Still- four is better than a weekend.

I know what I want to do with my life, but I'm wondering if a gay agent is really a reality. I want to represent atheletes, models, and actors- but I'm not sure how the industry, or that side of it, views the gays. I mean- look at the persona Jeremy Piven plays in Entourage. I'm like him in a lot of ways. I'm forward, intense, and up front almost always.
I would get to go to law school like I have been dreaming for SO LONG. I'm excited. I'm excited about my future.

However, the present has me a little confused. Right now I'm just fucking coasting here in life. I dont' know if I like my major right now- but shit... ENGLISH IS SO EASY!

Alrighty... I don't even know if people look at this blog- but if they do... peace out.... and much love.

Different with a guy...

2007-10-09T07:58:00.000-07:00

i met a boy
I like the boy
he is cute
;)
rawr

2007-10-07T14:23:00.000-07:00

I don't know what I want to do with my life.
Right now- I should be studying for a Western Civ test...
But I just don't think I'm going to need this information 10 years from now.

2007-10-06T19:45:00.000-07:00

I had such a good childhood- apart from the mom drama.
My dad and I were best friends when I was a kid. We still are, really. There isn't anything that I couldn't tell the guy- and Iove that I have that kind of relationship with him.

I miss being a kid sometimes...
I miss him.

Joking?

2007-10-03T14:55:00.000-07:00

Really? Are they joking? They're calling her an unfit mother?

Woah... woah... Yes- the girl has some learning to do in the parenting department... but shit- UNFIT MOTHER?
It kind of makes me laugh, really. I was unaware that today's version of the "unfit mother" was one who made $700,000 a month, provided her children with the best in clothing, food, entertainment, and USUALLY care. So... I guess that makes MY Mom the fucking worst mother ever?

Listen, I've had my luxuries- believe me. I'm pretty fucking spoiled- but this life; it hasn't always been shits and giggles.
My mommy used to tip-toe on the line of overdose... almost daily! My mommy would be so lucid and out of it that I would have to bring a pillow and a blanket to wherever she had passed out on the floor!!! P.S.- I was eight.

What am I getting at? Well- I think that calling Britney Spears an unfit mother pays DISRESPECT to all of those kids out there who are living in situations that society doesn't give two shits about. The really bad cases; you know... the ones where kids actually WISHED they had foster families!

Go for it- criticize Britney's failure to perform to the best of her ability at the VMA's.
Sneak in little jabs at her judgment when she doesn't wear underwear (lots of women don't).
You know-- what the hell... go ahead and boycott her music (perez- I'm talking to you, fucker)- but I must warn you... the shit's going to sell.

love,

CAM

I JUST DON'T KNOW

2007-09-19T06:10:00.000-07:00

I'm Gay... I'm not Gay... I'm Gay... I'm not Gay.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

2007-09-14T20:57:00.000-07:00

Last night was one... hell... of... a... night.
Honestly- I have made a vow to never, ever drink again.

2007-09-11T22:41:00.000-07:00

Honesty people... Britney will be bigger than ever in the next two months... I guarantee it! I miss the girl so fuckin' much. I'm sick of people trash talking her 24/7. She has a fucking life to live, and it isn't up to us to decide how she should live it. I personally cannot wait for her album to drop. It's going to be hot.

The Meaning Of Me

2007-09-09T22:45:00.001-07:00

What can I say? Life is tough. Just as soon as you think you know everything there is to know about yourself... you find out something new. I can't even begin to tell you how confusing my life got... for a minute. It was as if the last six months of my life were suddenly a dream. I couldn't believe that I was headed in this direction.

At my lowest point, I simply gave up on my feelings. I gave up on my opportunity to be happier and said, "fuck it- it's easier to be straight." At the end of the day, I couldn't keep away the thought of what could be. I'm gay, and regardless of whether or not that ends up being the easiest choice for me, it is a part of me.

Yes- I feel stupid for doing what I did. Would I change it? Not at all. Going through this self-doubt allowed me to figure out who I am. I found this: I'm a 19 year old college student who likes people. I enjoy music, and film- and being with my friends. I'm innovative, and spontaneous- and relaxed. I'm completely fine with knowing that I know nothing about my future- and and perfectly happy leaving it up to chance.

I hope you guys can learn something from my experience. Don't be impulsive when it comes to questioning who you are. You can never decide what it is you're all about in a single moment- like I thought I could. This life is so fucking confusing- and I have to start all over accepting a situation I had once believed I was completely OK with. Obviously- I have some learning to do.

2007-09-08T01:08:00.000-07:00

I'm Back...