The situation got crazy... and I had absolutely no idea how to deal with anything that had been happening.

At the beginning, Ryan seemed to be this really good guy; he still is. The idea of a realtionship scares me, though. How was I supposed to deal with the shit he was saying? Everything had a hint of "long term" in it- and that isn't anything that interests me what-so-ever.

I had to end it- even though it was all great. He was the first guy I ever did anything with...
That's ok though. However- I feel like I've used one of my "hook up" cards. I can't do anything with anyone for a couple of months now. I know- it sounds stupid... but I play the game of STAYING SAFE and making sure my REPUTATION is good. Stupid? Not at all.

The last thing anyone wants to be recognized as is a slut... that- indefinitely- is not me.

In other news- School is starting to wind down a little bit. Last week was pretty stressful- but I handled it like a champ... no worries. I'm sure I'll end up with good grades- so that at least makes me really, really happy.
The major thing is still on my mind- I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. One day I want to write, the next day I want to be a doctor- the other... uhg- a nurse? I have absolutely no fucking idea!

The only thing that sucks about wanting to be a doctor is the fact that you're in school for a MILLION YEARS!
If I'm compaining- maybe I shouldn't be a doctor- right? Or maybe.

THen again- there is that idea of being a Lawyer. The only thing that scares me about that route is the fact that there are SO MANY lawyers out there. You have to be really, really good. REALLY good.

Then there is the dentistry thing. I could walk into my dads practice and make bank. Maybe that is what I should do. I think that I could do the dental school thing- It makes the most sense- and it isn't like I couldn't do it. I would love to take that shit over- and make good money- and be financially secure for the rest of my life.

Plus- I would also love to work along side my dad.
Maybe... just maybe. That is what I'm going to do- or at least that is what I think I'm going to do as of right now :)


Anyway- I'm sporatic with my thoughts at the moment.
love ya guys,

cam

WOW

OK-no lie... this is one of her best albums PERIOD. Sure- she isn't on par with vocals like Mariah or Christina for that matter- but this is an album that people can DANCE to- and that is exactly what we want. Britney- I applaud your efforts. You rock... DO IT BITCH!

A [not so] scary halloween

So basically I didnt' have a costume. However- I did have a pair of white Armani pants and some wings from last year. What was I? An angel- of course (to all of my straight friends- I was the dude from X-men 3).

It was a pretty fun night to say the least. I went out, had a couple of drinks, and made some new friends. Don't think I could have asked for a better outcome!

How was everyone elses halloween?

BEING GAY IS HARD!

So, basically, I've made the decision to put myself out there a little bit more. Guess what happened? IT WAS A TOTAL SHITSTORM!

The first time I go out with a huge group of gays- I build a repuation... and it's untrue NOT TO MENTION negative!
Apparently I'm dirty (even though I'm a virgin) and "unsafe."
Sweet- I go out one night and some envious faggot decides to talk shit about me. Not cool- not... fucking...cool.

It turns me off that much more- I have absolutely no desire to be associated with all of these people. All I want to be is RESPECTED. No- I do not care what people say about me... however I do care to KNOW what people are saying about me- so I don't end up making a fool of myself LATER.

I hate the gays...

Uhggg. I just got out of my Western Civ class and it was a total slap in the face... by fucking reality! I'm so sick of this shit! My classes are so mundane and boring it makes me want to vomit.

This morning was good tough, I'm not too picky. But I wont lie- I took the dropping of my cell phone onto the edge of the curb and subsequent bouncing onto the pavement as a bad sign. Since then- things have been bueno.

I've been trying to come up with reasons as to why I am so mixed about the Ryan situation. I texted him last nigt and asked him if he was seeing anyone else (it wouldn't matter if he had). He said he had gone out on a few dates before me, but not I have his "full attention." I replied with a clever, "It wouldn't have mattered, but I want you to know that you have my undivided as well."

... I think he liked that.

On one hand, I see the potential for he and I to be a couple. On the other, however, I am questioning whether or not I want that in my life. He is so cute and such a nice guy... I just don't feel it 100% yet.
Part of me also beleives that we might be moving a little fast. On the second date he and I had already slept together (no sex-literally sleep) and made out. On the third- lots of feeling... last night- even more feeing. The fourth date is sure to bring some contact of a more pleasurable nature. Am I ready for this? I think so... I guess I'm afraid of being used- but then again... whose using who?

As a first timer, however, there are some things that I am... well- concerned about going into my first gay sexual experience. I mean, just because I'm a gay man doesn't mean that I don't compete like a straight one. What if Ryan is bigger than me? That would be so embarrassing (however, I don't believe it to be so, as I have never felt him enough to make me think he was stacked)! What if I'm not doing something right- or I end up giving bad head or something. God- I feel like a 15 year old girl who is about to give her first hand-job.
I know, I know. It's really stupid for me to be concerned about all of this shit. All I should be focusing on is whether or not I'm going to have a good time.

I have also found myself wondering when the appropriate time to have sex is. Questions...???

"Tap your heels three times..."

In my opinion, admitting to yourself things ABOUT yourself is one of the more difficult things to do.
Step 1: Start it here....

topic: Maybe I have a slight eating disorder??

It's funny how recent things can be- but how distant everythin else becomes.

I'm talking about priorities and how they can take a back seat to a love interest. Mine totally have... haha (NOT GOOD).

Ryan has been awesome. Ryan's friend Grant, Ryan, and myself went to brio and ate some italian cuisine tonight. It was REALLY tasty. Then he and I decided to go back to his place and watch his three favorite shows in succession (that home show where they rebuild a house for a struggling family, desperate housewives, and brothers and sisters. Uhg- I need to apologize to you guys... I haven't been bothering to use proper grammar in this post- that annoys me...

Anyway- we watched his shows and did some stuff in between.
God that kid is sexy!
But I dunno... I'm not sure if I beleive everything that comes out of his mouth.

We'll just have to see.

Relationship potential: yes.
Getting carried away: no.

LOVES IT,

CAMERON