200?

Slogan of 2008: No worries

My plan is to take some trips to Colorado. I have never been skiing in my entire life; this needs to change. Snow sports are so much fun. I love to snowboard whenever I get the opportunity. Living in Kansas though... well- let's just say I don't get that many chances to board.

In the summer, though, I am thinking about doing some frequent wakeboarding. My brother taught me how to do it just before he died in September... and ever since then I have been in love with the idea. I'm not too good yet- but I plan on getting better at it. It's something he would have been proud to see me do.


Today was interesting enough. I work a retail job part time/temporary over the holiday break... just for some extra cash (god knows I need it). The funny thing is, though, that I keep calling in. Last week I called in sick TWICE. I've just let them know that I have a pretty serious case of strep throat. I went in this morning and left early... relaxation fo' sho.

After I got home, I took a little bit of a nap and then went to the gym. Now I'm sitting here spending money that I don't have on the internet! WHOOPIEE!!! Really, I'm just buying music. I love music- totally moves the soul.

__________


I want to get involved in some new things next semester, too. I mean- the opportunity to play a sport- like... club ultimate frisbee or something would be really fun. I don't know- I just feel like I need to meet some new people. Last semester was so restricted to the same group- and that really, really pisses me off.

I've really been wanting to meet someone too. I don't care if it's a guy or a girl (right now I'm feeling pretty gay... so we'll say a guy). But yes- I want to have a relationship. It's about time.

peace and love,

cammo

I have never been a fan of new years resolutions. This year- I am simply making some modifications... for the self.

I have been working so much lately it is making my head spin. I called into my retail job today and told them that I had strep throat... but I have to work in the morning and I obviously won't be showing any symptoms. My best option is to buy some throat lozenges for the smell factor... uhg- I hate lying.

2007 was crazy though... and I can't believe that it's almost been a year since I came out! What a fucking NUTSO situation.

Anyway- all my best to you guys in 08'

cam

To be cultured and intelligent is much more valuable than anything else in this world.
That's something I would aspire to be in 2008... to increase my intelligence.

I was woken up at around 9:00 in the morning; my mother had told me to take a shower because my Dad was coming to pick me up. Before I knew it- he was in the driveway and I was out the door. It was my 11th birthday... May 16, 1999.
When I had left, my Mom hadn't even wished me a happy birthday... it didn't bother me though- I was going back to her place at the end of the day anyway... so I didn't let it bother me too much.

I went to my grandparents house with my Dad to find the usual surprise awaiting. My Dad's side of the family was there to bestow gifts upon me and enjoy endless amounts of cake and ice cream. The day of fun had turned into night and signaled that it was time for me to go back home to my Mom's.

When I arrived back into the driveway, two bags full of gifts and one half eaten birthday cake richer... there were no lights on in the duplex. There was no indication that something was planned and absolutely no sign of anything happy in sight. I walked up to the front door, put my key in the knob, and swung it wide open so I could fit all of my bags through.
At the time- part of me was wishing that the lights would flick on and another birthday party was in store for me... but this wasn't the case. The only light came from the cracks of my mother's bedroom door.

"Mom, I'm home," I said. She returned my comment with an, "OKAY!"

I got all of my stuff into the duplex, flicked the lights so my Dad knew it was okay to leave, and locked the front door.
It was about ten minutes before my Mom emerged from her bedroom and sat down in front of me. She took up the bags with all of my gifts and went through them- saying nice things like, "Oh -that's really cool," and "looks like you got a good haul this year!"

Then, she took my half eaten birthday cake with the six remaining candles, lit them- and started to sing happy birthday.

When she finished, she looked at me and she said- "Now Cameron- I want you to know that I love you very, very much... but I just couldn't afford to get you anything for your birthday this year."

Immediately- I started to cry. I didn't need any gifts from her- nothing material could replace the level of love I was receiving at that very moment. I wrapped my arms around her tight and didn't let go for what seemed like forever.

Today- my Mother battles a narcotic drug addiction as she tip toes on the line of overdose at least once a week. I can't seem to make the same connection with her that I was able to as a child. I miss that woman so much... how she used to be.
Lately- I've been taxing my brain- trying to think of a way to tell her that I love her so.

I just got done working.
I worked yesterday 10:00-5:00
today 11:00-7:00
tomorrow 9:30-5:00...

bullSHYAT.

Basically- I work seven days a week. How awesome is that? Pretty fucking awesome. Haha- today was good though. I raked in the $$$.

I've gained some weight... people say that's a good thing. I'm not so sure I like it- but who knows... everyone says I look better.

Today was my first day interning. I've received a spot as the Public Relations intern for a dermatologist skin care company. I'm pretty excited about it- I'm doing all of the mock ups for the European launch.

BSPEARS = amazing

I just finished with my finals today. So happy about that- you don't even know. I'm ready to go home to the parents house, work on my internship, work on my body- and relax. That's what it's all about, right?

My Shakespeare final was complete bullshit though- thankfully... I was prepared.
However, I did find myself asking a question upon completing the exam. We had ten essays to complete in the allotted time frame... why the fuck would a professor want to grade that many essays? It seems completely 100% ridiculous to me.... but I guess that's why I'm not a professor!

I've been thinking about going for the shaggy Brad Pitt facial hair thing. This is college... my only opportunity to be shaggy. Maybe I'll let my hair grow out and get a gut too- drink beer every night? No... that doesn't seem to be an option for me. I am, however, looking to find a trainer. I have decided that- one of my new years resolutions... is to start training for olympic lifting.

I know that sounds like a really random resolution for 2008... Really- who wakes up and says, "I think I'd like to try olympic lifting today..."

Nobody- really...

BUT! You know how it is... random qualities about a person are what turns me on.

ciao boys,

cam

It's not...

that hard. Let's be real here- I'm 20 years old and I shouldn't be thinking this much about sexuality. Do what feels good- right? AND- if I can FEEL something with both men and women- well... all the better for me.

Currently- I'm looking to associate myself with a different type of gay man; one that isn't afraid of getting dirty (not in that way- get your minds out of the gutter). I'm talking football, rugby, ultimate frisbee... the whole nine yards if you will.

So hard to find people... sooo hard to find.

So I'm sitting here... shirtless in a pair of old sweat pants wearing a santa clause hat. Do I feel special... you bet your ass I do.

Here's the deal. Lately- as I'm sure you have all read- I have been questioning whether or not I'm gay. It's a difficult question to analyze and even more annoying to answer. While I cannot completely deny my sexual attraction to men- I can't refuse the same emotion towards women. However, the only factor that weighs heavily on the side of heterosexuality is the extreme physical + emotional connection I am able to have with women.

When I was seeing Ryan- it was cloudy. I was completely confused as to whether or not it was what I really wanted. There was never a time when I looked to the future and REALLY saw the two of us working out. Besides- the sexual aspect of the relationship made me ill. I think about it today and I feel a great sense of regret for doing what I did (not sex... but you can imagine).

Is this guilt a result of feeling uncomfortable about my sexuality? It's entirely possible. However, when I think about the lifestyle associated with homosexuality- I'm also entirely turned off. I have no desire to skip around, person to person- looking for random sex. I have, more than anything, a completely monogamous desire to be with another individual. Do I feel that this is more than likely to occur with a women who, at the end of the day, can (for me) achieve the same level of sexual stimulation that a man can? YES! Why not embrace the opportunity to live a lifestyle that is rewarding with respect to marriage, children, GROWING OLD...etc.

I believe that, at the end of the day, a person just has to do what makes him or her happy. In this instance- it is difficult to say. Sexually- could I be happy with a man? For sure- no problem. The same for a woman? Yes! With a man, could I be emotionally satisfied? I'm unsure... I honestly don't know. With a woman- Yes.

So, you see- my level of confusion is HIGH.

peace & love
cam

Sexuality is a complex thing. Can I honestly say that I'm NOT attracted to men? No. Can I honestly say that I'm NOT attracted to women? No. Maybe this is my ability to love regardless of gender. Is this advantageous to my lifestyle? Maybe...

However- I have to pay attention to my future- and my dreams. I dream of having children- and a wife... What should I do?