Wednesday, October 31, 2007

The situation got crazy... and I had absolutely no idea how to deal with anything that had been happening.

At the beginning, Ryan seemed to be this really good guy; he still is. The idea of a realtionship scares me, though. How was I supposed to deal with the shit he was saying? Everything had a hint of "long term" in it- and that isn't anything that interests me what-so-ever.

I had to end it- even though it was all great. He was the first guy I ever did anything with...
That's ok though. However- I feel like I've used one of my "hook up" cards. I can't do anything with anyone for a couple of months now. I know- it sounds stupid... but I play the game of STAYING SAFE and making sure my REPUTATION is good. Stupid? Not at all.

The last thing anyone wants to be recognized as is a slut... that- indefinitely- is not me.

In other news- School is starting to wind down a little bit. Last week was pretty stressful- but I handled it like a champ... no worries. I'm sure I'll end up with good grades- so that at least makes me really, really happy.
The major thing is still on my mind- I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. One day I want to write, the next day I want to be a doctor- the other... uhg- a nurse? I have absolutely no fucking idea!

The only thing that sucks about wanting to be a doctor is the fact that you're in school for a MILLION YEARS!
If I'm compaining- maybe I shouldn't be a doctor- right? Or maybe.

THen again- there is that idea of being a Lawyer. The only thing that scares me about that route is the fact that there are SO MANY lawyers out there. You have to be really, really good. REALLY good.

Then there is the dentistry thing. I could walk into my dads practice and make bank. Maybe that is what I should do. I think that I could do the dental school thing- It makes the most sense- and it isn't like I couldn't do it. I would love to take that shit over- and make good money- and be financially secure for the rest of my life.

Plus- I would also love to work along side my dad.
Maybe... just maybe. That is what I'm going to do- or at least that is what I think I'm going to do as of right now :)


Anyway- I'm sporatic with my thoughts at the moment.
love ya guys,

cam

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

WOW
























OK-no lie... this is one of her best albums PERIOD. Sure- she isn't on par with vocals like Mariah or Christina for that matter- but this is an album that people can DANCE to- and that is exactly what we want. Britney- I applaud your efforts. You rock... DO IT BITCH!

Monday, October 29, 2007

A [not so] scary halloween





















So basically I didnt' have a costume. However- I did have a pair of white Armani pants and some wings from last year. What was I? An angel- of course (to all of my straight friends- I was the dude from X-men 3).

It was a pretty fun night to say the least. I went out, had a couple of drinks, and made some new friends. Don't think I could have asked for a better outcome!

How was everyone elses halloween?

Saturday, October 27, 2007

BEING GAY IS HARD!

So, basically, I've made the decision to put myself out there a little bit more. Guess what happened? IT WAS A TOTAL SHITSTORM!

The first time I go out with a huge group of gays- I build a repuation... and it's untrue NOT TO MENTION negative!
Apparently I'm dirty (even though I'm a virgin) and "unsafe."
Sweet- I go out one night and some envious faggot decides to talk shit about me. Not cool- not... fucking...cool.

It turns me off that much more- I have absolutely no desire to be associated with all of these people. All I want to be is RESPECTED. No- I do not care what people say about me... however I do care to KNOW what people are saying about me- so I don't end up making a fool of myself LATER.

I hate the gays...

Monday, October 15, 2007

Uhggg. I just got out of my Western Civ class and it was a total slap in the face... by fucking reality! I'm so sick of this shit! My classes are so mundane and boring it makes me want to vomit.

This morning was good tough, I'm not too picky. But I wont lie- I took the dropping of my cell phone onto the edge of the curb and subsequent bouncing onto the pavement as a bad sign. Since then- things have been bueno.

I've been trying to come up with reasons as to why I am so mixed about the Ryan situation. I texted him last nigt and asked him if he was seeing anyone else (it wouldn't matter if he had). He said he had gone out on a few dates before me, but not I have his "full attention." I replied with a clever, "It wouldn't have mattered, but I want you to know that you have my undivided as well."

... I think he liked that.

On one hand, I see the potential for he and I to be a couple. On the other, however, I am questioning whether or not I want that in my life. He is so cute and such a nice guy... I just don't feel it 100% yet.
Part of me also beleives that we might be moving a little fast. On the second date he and I had already slept together (no sex-literally sleep) and made out. On the third- lots of feeling... last night- even more feeing. The fourth date is sure to bring some contact of a more pleasurable nature. Am I ready for this? I think so... I guess I'm afraid of being used- but then again... whose using who?

As a first timer, however, there are some things that I am... well- concerned about going into my first gay sexual experience. I mean, just because I'm a gay man doesn't mean that I don't compete like a straight one. What if Ryan is bigger than me? That would be so embarrassing (however, I don't believe it to be so, as I have never felt him enough to make me think he was stacked)! What if I'm not doing something right- or I end up giving bad head or something. God- I feel like a 15 year old girl who is about to give her first hand-job.
I know, I know. It's really stupid for me to be concerned about all of this shit. All I should be focusing on is whether or not I'm going to have a good time.

I have also found myself wondering when the appropriate time to have sex is. Questions...???

"Tap your heels three times..."

In my opinion, admitting to yourself things ABOUT yourself is one of the more difficult things to do.
Step 1: Start it here....

topic: Maybe I have a slight eating disorder??

Sunday, October 14, 2007

It's funny how recent things can be- but how distant everythin else becomes.

I'm talking about priorities and how they can take a back seat to a love interest. Mine totally have... haha (NOT GOOD).

Ryan has been awesome. Ryan's friend Grant, Ryan, and myself went to brio and ate some italian cuisine tonight. It was REALLY tasty. Then he and I decided to go back to his place and watch his three favorite shows in succession (that home show where they rebuild a house for a struggling family, desperate housewives, and brothers and sisters. Uhg- I need to apologize to you guys... I haven't been bothering to use proper grammar in this post- that annoys me...

Anyway- we watched his shows and did some stuff in between.
God that kid is sexy!
But I dunno... I'm not sure if I beleive everything that comes out of his mouth.

We'll just have to see.

Relationship potential: yes.
Getting carried away: no.

LOVES IT,

CAMERON

Saturday, October 13, 2007

lightning

With every touch of his hand to my bare body came a surge of electricity that I'd never felt before.
I wanted him bad... really bad. I could have had him too- but I stopped myself.

Why???

I'm a major catch- I won't lie; a challenge too. Just because he's incredibly sexy, smart, fun, and entertaining doesn't mean I'm going to give it up on the second night. But, like I said- I wanted him. I REALLY wanted him.

Is it possible that Ryan is "that" guy, though? By "that" guy- I mean... is he the first guy that I've considered to be a real possibility and now I'm thinking into it too much? I'll be completely honest- Ryan is someone, for me at least, who makes me realize that I actually am gay- and for that I'm thankful. I'm not sure if you guys are clued into it or not- but I have been really confused lately; Ryan has opened an entirely new door for me. It's such a fucking turn on.

More later.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

I had an absolutely amazing night last night. Ryan invited me over and we had some wine... talked- just a really great night that ended with me spending the night.

I told myself that I wasn't going to let that happen, however, his eyes... they're so sexy.
We didn't have sex- so don't get any wild ideas.

I really like the fact that he respects my "newness." This is the first time that I'm taking a relationship possibility seriously. He has a good head on his shoulders, goes to work...school. He's a really nice guy... and I'm talking about him WAY too much.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Have a great day everybody!

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Nothing like a good shower

Seriously guys... we all know it. There is absolutely nothing better than a good shower.
I just got out... smellin' good- feelin good.

I'm a little concerned at the fact that I haven't been working out as hardcore as I usually do. I'm actually getting comfortable not being all obsessd- and that concerns me. In order to maintain a body that you want, you have to work at it- and I'm definitely slacking off. However, my diet is still clean.

The funny thing is, after you cut out all the shit from your diet, you don't want it anymore. You feel so much better eating things that are good for you rather than eating the shit that is bad. For instance, I haven't had fast food in FOREVER- but I just indulged with a friend on some wings at Buffalo Wild Wings and, about 20 minutes later, I was feeling like shit. It was like this heavy piece of lead was sticking in my stomach and there was no way to get rid of it!

You're probably wondering what the point of this post is. To be honest, I am not entirely sure. I'm just talking, really.
Things have advanced with the boy. He is spending the night on Thursday, apparently, and I am unsure of whether or not I am ready for that to happen. I don't know why, but I'm just not comfortable with myself lately. I'm not one of those people that can ignore their faults and just go with it- I hate that about me!

I have the second part of my Western Civ final tomorrow and I haven't started studying yet. I'm so fucking over it- it isn't even funny. I just want to get my shit done and have fall break- that's all! I would be working out and constantly playing x-box... if it fucking worked! My x-box 360 fucking decided to stop working and I can no longer fucking play Halo 3. I know you're all thinking, "well there are starving people in the world- I think you'll live." Guess what- you're right.

It's been fun,
I'll "Talk at you later."

<3 me

Dance, Act, and LIVE

It's funny how music represents certain chapters of your life. I can remember the songs that I was listening to when a gay reality started to set in. Recently I've been listening to a lot of Madonna. Her music just makes you want to dance. I love dancing.

I'm going through a lot of highs and lows right now. I can't stand it! Today I'm feeling neutral. There isn't anything too good- or bad. I'm just coasting. This fall break is going to be really good for me- even though it's only four days. Still- four is better than a weekend.

I know what I want to do with my life, but I'm wondering if a gay agent is really a reality. I want to represent atheletes, models, and actors- but I'm not sure how the industry, or that side of it, views the gays. I mean- look at the persona Jeremy Piven plays in Entourage. I'm like him in a lot of ways. I'm forward, intense, and up front almost always.
I would get to go to law school like I have been dreaming for SO LONG. I'm excited. I'm excited about my future.

However, the present has me a little confused. Right now I'm just fucking coasting here in life. I dont' know if I like my major right now- but shit... ENGLISH IS SO EASY!

Alrighty... I don't even know if people look at this blog- but if they do... peace out.... and much love.

Different with a guy...

i met a boy
I like the boy
he is cute
;)
rawr

Sunday, October 7, 2007

I don't know what I want to do with my life.
Right now- I should be studying for a Western Civ test...
But I just don't think I'm going to need this information 10 years from now.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

I had such a good childhood- apart from the mom drama.
My dad and I were best friends when I was a kid. We still are, really. There isn't anything that I couldn't tell the guy- and Iove that I have that kind of relationship with him.

I miss being a kid sometimes...
I miss him.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Joking?

Really? Are they joking? They're calling her an unfit mother?

Woah... woah... Yes- the girl has some learning to do in the parenting department... but shit- UNFIT MOTHER?
It kind of makes me laugh, really. I was unaware that today's version of the "unfit mother" was one who made $700,000 a month, provided her children with the best in clothing, food, entertainment, and USUALLY care. So... I guess that makes MY Mom the fucking worst mother ever?

Listen, I've had my luxuries- believe me. I'm pretty fucking spoiled- but this life; it hasn't always been shits and giggles.
My mommy used to tip-toe on the line of overdose... almost daily! My mommy would be so lucid and out of it that I would have to bring a pillow and a blanket to wherever she had passed out on the floor!!! P.S.- I was eight.

What am I getting at? Well- I think that calling Britney Spears an unfit mother pays DISRESPECT to all of those kids out there who are living in situations that society doesn't give two shits about. The really bad cases; you know... the ones where kids actually WISHED they had foster families!

Go for it- criticize Britney's failure to perform to the best of her ability at the VMA's.
Sneak in little jabs at her judgment when she doesn't wear underwear (lots of women don't).
You know-- what the hell... go ahead and boycott her music (perez- I'm talking to you, fucker)- but I must warn you... the shit's going to sell.

love,

CAM