I honestly don't think I'm gay. I think I've been really, really confused. I just don't feel gay anymore. I don't feel that attraction like I used to... well- not all the time.
I want to have that sexual connection with women again. I want to be part of the prowl. Rawr.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
stand it
I've always had a dream to do stand up comedy... and I'm going to go for it. I've been searching the internet for open mic locations and I've found a few. I'm really excited to get out there and try something new- to perform.
end post
end post
Friday, November 23, 2007
never work retail
on black friday.
I had to work this morning at 7:00. I went to bed around 3:00 A.M. Not fun... not fun at all.
I did get to watch fight club today. That makes me happy; it's one of my favorite movies.
I work 2:00 P.M. to close tomorrow which means I'm missing the KU VS. MU game tomorrow.
Bullshit... complete bullshit!
but my guys will do good- I have faith and no worries.
I had to work this morning at 7:00. I went to bed around 3:00 A.M. Not fun... not fun at all.
I did get to watch fight club today. That makes me happy; it's one of my favorite movies.
I work 2:00 P.M. to close tomorrow which means I'm missing the KU VS. MU game tomorrow.
Bullshit... complete bullshit!
but my guys will do good- I have faith and no worries.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
My coming out story + more
It was an unusually cold night in March when I made the decision to go ahead and tell my parents that I'm gay. I was sitting in my dorm study room, working on some math homework- when that overall feeling of guilt every closeted gay man feels came over me. I decided right then and there, staring blankly at the gibberish on page 124 of my calc 1 textbook, that it was time to "come out." I packed up my shit, dropped my bag off in my room, and headed out to the parking lot. It was 7:30 P.M. I told myself that they would know by 8:45.
I remember sitting in my truck for a minute before I actually started it. The key was in the ignition and, because the door wasn't shut entirely, my truck was making that annoying beeping sound. I looked at my cell phone and the clock read 7:45. I had been sitting there for nearly 20 minutes just thinking. With that instant realization I turned the key; no turning back.
It wasn't half a second after I backed the truck out of the space that Mika's "Love Today" started blaring through the speakers. I had left my ipod in the truck just before going to the gym and, apparently, I didn't shut it off when leaving. I took it as a good sign and, to be honest, it made me feel a little bit better about the situation.
After about 40 minutes of mindless driving (way too much on my mind) I finally realized where I was. In an instant, as if I had just been slapped in the face, I noticed that I was taking the right turn into my neighborhood... the right turn that led to the immediate left and another right four houses down. Oh...my...god... I was at my house, randomly on a SCHOOL NIGHT. My parents were surely to know something was up- and they did.
Even before I was in the driveway they knew I was home. My truck had some exhaust modifcations that made it sound pretty good; a thunder if you will. Anyway- as soon as I pushed the button listed as "garage" my step mom poked her head out of the door and stood. I got out of the truck, walked into the garage and she said "whats wrong with you?"
"Nothing," I replied, nervous and aghast at her instantaneous realization of my mood. "I just wanted to come home for some REAL FOOD."
I walked into the house and it was exactly how I had pictured it would be. My dad was sitting in the hearth room in a pair of spongebob pajama bottoms and a KU sweatshirt watching the discovery channel. I came in, plopped down on the couch and said, "sup?"
I now realize how straight I was attempting to come off that entire moment. I would later find out that it was obvious I was so gay. Nevertheless- I was having second thoughts. I wasn't sure that it was the right time. My step mom didn't make second guessing myself any easier, though.
"So what's the deal," she said. "Why are you home this late on a school night? Why did you decide to drive in?"
"Uhh- well- you see... like I said- I was pretty hungry and school was stressing me out. I guess I just needed a change of scenery."
"Uh huh," she said. "I think you're lying."
This woman is good. She knew from the moment I stepped into that garage that something was on my mind. It was at that point that I decided to do it.
"Well," I said. "Well- you know... there are just some things about me - well, within me; I don't understand it all yet... and this is really hard to come out and say to you guys."
"What's happening," said my dad. "What's going on? Are you OK? Did you get someone pregnant? DO YOU NEED MONEY? I HAVE MONEY- HERE- I'LL WRITE YOU A CHECK NOW!"
As soon as he was finished speaking my step mom broke into tears. She yelled at him to shut up and to let me talk. She said that I had something really important to say. After she said that- it was lift off. With my head hanging low and staring straight at the floor- I blurted out "I'm Gay."
"Oh...," said my dad. "Well- why didn't you just saying something. You had me all worried that something BAD was happening. I have a lot of gay friends Cameron- whether you know that or not. Being gay isn't anything to be ashamed of. I love you so much more than you will ever know- and you are fine. This is fine. We, as a family, are completely fine."
I guess I can't be too shocked at what he said. He is the most sentimental man I have ever met in my entire life.
Finally- after so much waiting... so much negative anticipation for something that was so easy- I was free. I was free to be me and do what I wanted to do FOR ME. It was the biggest weight off my shoulders.
I don't know, exactly, why I thought it was necessary for me to tell this story. I guess it's because I'm having so many reservations about my homosexuality today. As I sit here- pounding away on this keyboard to a bunch of strangers- I know I'm gay. I know that, at the end of the day, I prefer the touch of a man as opposed to the feel of a woman. I know these things. What I don't know, however, is who am I as a gay man. I'm certainly not flamboyant like I've been trying to be for everyone else. I'm certainly not interested in taking on that "closeted out guy" persona either. I want the people who matter in my life to know that I am gay... but I don't want this to define me.
I think a lot of this is a lack of "guys, guys" gay guys in my life. I haven't met one masculine gay man and it's getting to me. I would love nothing more than to have a significant other in my life who I could not only be physical with- but be friends with to. I want a guy in my life that wants to do go and play a pick up game of basketball with me at the gym AND actually know how to play. I want a guy who would rather go see an action flick than a stupid musical about HAIRSPRAY.
I'm not looking for perfect. Perfect is boring. I'm looking for compatibility... and I haven't found it thus far. Where- when.. I don't know. Soon I hope... cause I'm breaking down.
I remember sitting in my truck for a minute before I actually started it. The key was in the ignition and, because the door wasn't shut entirely, my truck was making that annoying beeping sound. I looked at my cell phone and the clock read 7:45. I had been sitting there for nearly 20 minutes just thinking. With that instant realization I turned the key; no turning back.
It wasn't half a second after I backed the truck out of the space that Mika's "Love Today" started blaring through the speakers. I had left my ipod in the truck just before going to the gym and, apparently, I didn't shut it off when leaving. I took it as a good sign and, to be honest, it made me feel a little bit better about the situation.
After about 40 minutes of mindless driving (way too much on my mind) I finally realized where I was. In an instant, as if I had just been slapped in the face, I noticed that I was taking the right turn into my neighborhood... the right turn that led to the immediate left and another right four houses down. Oh...my...god... I was at my house, randomly on a SCHOOL NIGHT. My parents were surely to know something was up- and they did.
Even before I was in the driveway they knew I was home. My truck had some exhaust modifcations that made it sound pretty good; a thunder if you will. Anyway- as soon as I pushed the button listed as "garage" my step mom poked her head out of the door and stood. I got out of the truck, walked into the garage and she said "whats wrong with you?"
"Nothing," I replied, nervous and aghast at her instantaneous realization of my mood. "I just wanted to come home for some REAL FOOD."
I walked into the house and it was exactly how I had pictured it would be. My dad was sitting in the hearth room in a pair of spongebob pajama bottoms and a KU sweatshirt watching the discovery channel. I came in, plopped down on the couch and said, "sup?"
I now realize how straight I was attempting to come off that entire moment. I would later find out that it was obvious I was so gay. Nevertheless- I was having second thoughts. I wasn't sure that it was the right time. My step mom didn't make second guessing myself any easier, though.
"So what's the deal," she said. "Why are you home this late on a school night? Why did you decide to drive in?"
"Uhh- well- you see... like I said- I was pretty hungry and school was stressing me out. I guess I just needed a change of scenery."
"Uh huh," she said. "I think you're lying."
This woman is good. She knew from the moment I stepped into that garage that something was on my mind. It was at that point that I decided to do it.
"Well," I said. "Well- you know... there are just some things about me - well, within me; I don't understand it all yet... and this is really hard to come out and say to you guys."
"What's happening," said my dad. "What's going on? Are you OK? Did you get someone pregnant? DO YOU NEED MONEY? I HAVE MONEY- HERE- I'LL WRITE YOU A CHECK NOW!"
As soon as he was finished speaking my step mom broke into tears. She yelled at him to shut up and to let me talk. She said that I had something really important to say. After she said that- it was lift off. With my head hanging low and staring straight at the floor- I blurted out "I'm Gay."
"Oh...," said my dad. "Well- why didn't you just saying something. You had me all worried that something BAD was happening. I have a lot of gay friends Cameron- whether you know that or not. Being gay isn't anything to be ashamed of. I love you so much more than you will ever know- and you are fine. This is fine. We, as a family, are completely fine."
I guess I can't be too shocked at what he said. He is the most sentimental man I have ever met in my entire life.
Finally- after so much waiting... so much negative anticipation for something that was so easy- I was free. I was free to be me and do what I wanted to do FOR ME. It was the biggest weight off my shoulders.
I don't know, exactly, why I thought it was necessary for me to tell this story. I guess it's because I'm having so many reservations about my homosexuality today. As I sit here- pounding away on this keyboard to a bunch of strangers- I know I'm gay. I know that, at the end of the day, I prefer the touch of a man as opposed to the feel of a woman. I know these things. What I don't know, however, is who am I as a gay man. I'm certainly not flamboyant like I've been trying to be for everyone else. I'm certainly not interested in taking on that "closeted out guy" persona either. I want the people who matter in my life to know that I am gay... but I don't want this to define me.
I think a lot of this is a lack of "guys, guys" gay guys in my life. I haven't met one masculine gay man and it's getting to me. I would love nothing more than to have a significant other in my life who I could not only be physical with- but be friends with to. I want a guy in my life that wants to do go and play a pick up game of basketball with me at the gym AND actually know how to play. I want a guy who would rather go see an action flick than a stupid musical about HAIRSPRAY.
I'm not looking for perfect. Perfect is boring. I'm looking for compatibility... and I haven't found it thus far. Where- when.. I don't know. Soon I hope... cause I'm breaking down.
I don't know if I have ever written about this- but this September my brother died; he was 20.
I only mention it now because it's the holidays. I'm not sure how today is going to go for my family.
I realize, though, that I have so many things to be thankful for. I have so many things to look forward to. I have a father and sister who love me unconditionally. I have a future. I have so much when millions of people have so little.
This thanksgiving- it's not about the turkey. It's about all of those individuals out there who have little to be thankful for.
Society has a lot to do with the positions people are in- and it's sad that we operate in this heirarchy of materialism. Love is all you need, right?
Happy Thanksgiving you guys.
I only mention it now because it's the holidays. I'm not sure how today is going to go for my family.
I realize, though, that I have so many things to be thankful for. I have so many things to look forward to. I have a father and sister who love me unconditionally. I have a future. I have so much when millions of people have so little.
This thanksgiving- it's not about the turkey. It's about all of those individuals out there who have little to be thankful for.
Society has a lot to do with the positions people are in- and it's sad that we operate in this heirarchy of materialism. Love is all you need, right?
Happy Thanksgiving you guys.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Monday, November 19, 2007
The Finer Things In Life
We totally take for granted. My other roommate ZACH decides to buy the generic PAPER THIN kind of toilet paper.
I, however, insist upon spending the extra $3.00 dollars for th Charmin 3 ply Jumbo pack.
Why, Zach, are you such a cheap son of a bitch? Why can't you just buy the nice TP?
class until 7:30 tonight.
yip-eeee
I, however, insist upon spending the extra $3.00 dollars for th Charmin 3 ply Jumbo pack.
Why, Zach, are you such a cheap son of a bitch? Why can't you just buy the nice TP?
class until 7:30 tonight.
yip-eeee
Sunday, November 18, 2007
I have so many things to look forward to. After I graduate- I can go pretty much anywhere... and live my life in an entirely different way.
To be honest- I find extreme happiness in situations that are not quite comfortable. I would rather be thrown into the mix of things than be prepared. Does that sound weird? I find that it's more about me being able to cope under pressure. Something new... something fresh- always exciting, right?
Today was a total waste. It's 4:00 in the afternoon and I haven't done anything but shower and buy $3.00 worth of scratchers tickets from the gas station. Call me crazy- but I had a dream that I won lot of money last night... so I figured "hey- what the hell... luck is a sneaky bitch!"
I didn't win. So it goes.
I know in a recent post I said I was rejecting the possibility of dating someone. Well- that's not entirely smart. I mean - come on just because something isn't working for me right now doesn't mean that I have to give up. The right person will come around eventually. I can wait.
I've been reading an excellent blog. The blogger's name is Dave- and his website is www.breaktheillusion.com
He's pretty insightful and FUN. Rare these days... REALLY rare.
enjoy
To be honest- I find extreme happiness in situations that are not quite comfortable. I would rather be thrown into the mix of things than be prepared. Does that sound weird? I find that it's more about me being able to cope under pressure. Something new... something fresh- always exciting, right?
Today was a total waste. It's 4:00 in the afternoon and I haven't done anything but shower and buy $3.00 worth of scratchers tickets from the gas station. Call me crazy- but I had a dream that I won lot of money last night... so I figured "hey- what the hell... luck is a sneaky bitch!"
I didn't win. So it goes.
I know in a recent post I said I was rejecting the possibility of dating someone. Well- that's not entirely smart. I mean - come on just because something isn't working for me right now doesn't mean that I have to give up. The right person will come around eventually. I can wait.
I've been reading an excellent blog. The blogger's name is Dave- and his website is www.breaktheillusion.com
He's pretty insightful and FUN. Rare these days... REALLY rare.
enjoy
Act On Impulse
It's not a great thing... but I think it makes me unique. For most of my life, the decisions I Have made have been made on impulse. My decision to join a Fraternity... impulse. The choice to drop the fraternity and move into the dorms... impulse.
My whacko choice to come out of the closet... impulse.
Basically... there is a running trend in my life. I make an impulse decision only to find myself going back on the decision later.
It's a shitty cycle... but I'm stuck here- living it.
The whole gay thing is a constant battle with me. Sometimes I wake up feeling comfortable with the idea. Other days it makes me sick to even think about some of the things that I have done. I'm human. I have EMOTIONS. However, the most taxing of them all involves sex. At one point during the day I'm checking out every guy that walks by me. At another- I'm looking at all the beautiful women that inhabit this campus.
It's so confusing! I wish I knew!
uhg... I wish something new would happen in my life.
something fresh.
My whacko choice to come out of the closet... impulse.
Basically... there is a running trend in my life. I make an impulse decision only to find myself going back on the decision later.
It's a shitty cycle... but I'm stuck here- living it.
The whole gay thing is a constant battle with me. Sometimes I wake up feeling comfortable with the idea. Other days it makes me sick to even think about some of the things that I have done. I'm human. I have EMOTIONS. However, the most taxing of them all involves sex. At one point during the day I'm checking out every guy that walks by me. At another- I'm looking at all the beautiful women that inhabit this campus.
It's so confusing! I wish I knew!
uhg... I wish something new would happen in my life.
something fresh.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Super bad headache... ouch!
I hate that. I couldn't make it to the gym because of it and it definitely won't go away. Whatever man... WHAT-EVER!
Not to mention the fact that I have a cold sore now...
God damned stress! School is starting to get to me...things- are starting to get to me.
However, I am thinking about a career in public relations.
I need help!
me...
I hate that. I couldn't make it to the gym because of it and it definitely won't go away. Whatever man... WHAT-EVER!
Not to mention the fact that I have a cold sore now...
God damned stress! School is starting to get to me...things- are starting to get to me.
However, I am thinking about a career in public relations.
I need help!
me...
I am tired... and on the plaza... HELLO!
No... Kansas City doesn't parallel that of NYC in any way, shape, or form. However- the night life, modern living, and overall atmosphere is more exciting than once believed. I'll leave it up to you guys to do the research. I just wanted to remind you that Kansas isn't just one big wheat field after another.
In other news... I'm looking for a new workout program! My goal is to put on 20lbs of muscle by this time next year.
If any of you are fitness nuts like I am- then I'm sure you'll sympathize with me when I say that PUTTING ON MUSCLE IS HARD WORK! I'm not talking about the gym either. As I'm sure you all know- building a solid body means EATING A SHIT TON! For me 2800 to 3200 calories PER DAY is necessary to put on muscle like I want. Health food, for the most part, is healthy because of the low calorie, fat, and sugar content. So- when sticking strictly to a clean, healthy diet- one has to eat a lot of clean, healthy foods. It aint' cheap either!
In other, other news: the search for a boy... is off! I'm done for awhile guys. I came across one- and I'm done for at LEAST a year. Haha- ok- maybe just a couple of moneys. It just seems to me that there aren't any decent guys my age out there. Every time I meet somebody the first thing on their mind is sex. That's not my deal. I want to me a decent, well rounded guy and Lawrence has given me no faith that they exist.
WHY?!
In other news... I'm looking for a new workout program! My goal is to put on 20lbs of muscle by this time next year.
If any of you are fitness nuts like I am- then I'm sure you'll sympathize with me when I say that PUTTING ON MUSCLE IS HARD WORK! I'm not talking about the gym either. As I'm sure you all know- building a solid body means EATING A SHIT TON! For me 2800 to 3200 calories PER DAY is necessary to put on muscle like I want. Health food, for the most part, is healthy because of the low calorie, fat, and sugar content. So- when sticking strictly to a clean, healthy diet- one has to eat a lot of clean, healthy foods. It aint' cheap either!
In other, other news: the search for a boy... is off! I'm done for awhile guys. I came across one- and I'm done for at LEAST a year. Haha- ok- maybe just a couple of moneys. It just seems to me that there aren't any decent guys my age out there. Every time I meet somebody the first thing on their mind is sex. That's not my deal. I want to me a decent, well rounded guy and Lawrence has given me no faith that they exist.
WHY?!
today
- Class until 12:15
- Lunch With Dad
- Work on the screen play
It is extremely cold out today. I just ran out to my car shirtless and in basketball shorts... not a good idea... Now I'm freezing.
Uhg... I'm so sick of this class.
I have to hop in the shower.
MORE LATER!
CAM
- Lunch With Dad
- Work on the screen play
It is extremely cold out today. I just ran out to my car shirtless and in basketball shorts... not a good idea... Now I'm freezing.
Uhg... I'm so sick of this class.
I have to hop in the shower.
MORE LATER!
CAM
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Cold. Windly. Gloomy. YES!!!
Do you know what this means? HUH? It means it's just about time to pull out my "out of my way... christmas shopping" sweatshirt!
haha- ok. My brother in law and I have a little tradition. The day after thanksgiving EVERY YEAR he and I hit up the stores for all of the crazy sales. No- it isn't because we're tight for cash... it's because it is quite possibly the most hilarious event of the season. We run around yelling "IT'S MINE!" I know- it sounds totally immature (it is) but it is SO MUCH FUN!
In other news: I'm looking for a new work-out routine. I need more complex lifting ideas- so, if you know anything -feel free to send it my way!
(Sarah and I at a halloween party. I was myself. Fun huh?)
haha- ok. My brother in law and I have a little tradition. The day after thanksgiving EVERY YEAR he and I hit up the stores for all of the crazy sales. No- it isn't because we're tight for cash... it's because it is quite possibly the most hilarious event of the season. We run around yelling "IT'S MINE!" I know- it sounds totally immature (it is) but it is SO MUCH FUN!
In other news: I'm looking for a new work-out routine. I need more complex lifting ideas- so, if you know anything -feel free to send it my way!
(Sarah and I at a halloween party. I was myself. Fun huh?)
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
I wish I had the ability to randomly hook up like a lot of other guys do.
Many of you know about my opposition to promiscuity when it comes to sex. Sometimes, however, I do wish I were less inhibited and had the ability to let loose. I, like every other man (gay or straight) am a slave to constant sexual desire. My personal beliefs, however, prevent me from satisfying my urges. On the one hand I realize that I'm young, athletic, and entitled to a bit of fun. On the other, though, I am extremely terrified of contracting a disease, or building a bad reputation.
What can I do? Absolutely nothing.
My debt situation is certainly coming back to haunt me. I'm about $2500 in and my only income comes from my parents. What am I going to do? Sure, if I ask them- they will take care of it- but it's so irresponsible and unfair on my end.
I've recently started to see a shrink. For a huge chunk of my life I was completely against the idea of "seeing someone."
It's been a positive though. He is helping me to identify my impulse at the start- and curb it so it doesn't turn into a regrettable decision.
He also doesn't believe that I'm at the point in my life where I can make a definite decision regarding my sexuality. He beleives that I need to have more experiences in order to determine that. I'm not sure if I agree with him... sometimes.
He brings up some really good points.
Anyway- I guess that should satisfy my committment to blogging for now.
I hope you all have a good week.
CAM
Many of you know about my opposition to promiscuity when it comes to sex. Sometimes, however, I do wish I were less inhibited and had the ability to let loose. I, like every other man (gay or straight) am a slave to constant sexual desire. My personal beliefs, however, prevent me from satisfying my urges. On the one hand I realize that I'm young, athletic, and entitled to a bit of fun. On the other, though, I am extremely terrified of contracting a disease, or building a bad reputation.
What can I do? Absolutely nothing.
My debt situation is certainly coming back to haunt me. I'm about $2500 in and my only income comes from my parents. What am I going to do? Sure, if I ask them- they will take care of it- but it's so irresponsible and unfair on my end.
I've recently started to see a shrink. For a huge chunk of my life I was completely against the idea of "seeing someone."
It's been a positive though. He is helping me to identify my impulse at the start- and curb it so it doesn't turn into a regrettable decision.
He also doesn't believe that I'm at the point in my life where I can make a definite decision regarding my sexuality. He beleives that I need to have more experiences in order to determine that. I'm not sure if I agree with him... sometimes.
He brings up some really good points.
Anyway- I guess that should satisfy my committment to blogging for now.
I hope you all have a good week.
CAM
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