So I'm sitting here... shirtless in a pair of old sweat pants wearing a santa clause hat. Do I feel special... you bet your ass I do.

Here's the deal. Lately- as I'm sure you have all read- I have been questioning whether or not I'm gay. It's a difficult question to analyze and even more annoying to answer. While I cannot completely deny my sexual attraction to men- I can't refuse the same emotion towards women. However, the only factor that weighs heavily on the side of heterosexuality is the extreme physical + emotional connection I am able to have with women.

When I was seeing Ryan- it was cloudy. I was completely confused as to whether or not it was what I really wanted. There was never a time when I looked to the future and REALLY saw the two of us working out. Besides- the sexual aspect of the relationship made me ill. I think about it today and I feel a great sense of regret for doing what I did (not sex... but you can imagine).

Is this guilt a result of feeling uncomfortable about my sexuality? It's entirely possible. However, when I think about the lifestyle associated with homosexuality- I'm also entirely turned off. I have no desire to skip around, person to person- looking for random sex. I have, more than anything, a completely monogamous desire to be with another individual. Do I feel that this is more than likely to occur with a women who, at the end of the day, can (for me) achieve the same level of sexual stimulation that a man can? YES! Why not embrace the opportunity to live a lifestyle that is rewarding with respect to marriage, children, GROWING OLD...etc.

I believe that, at the end of the day, a person just has to do what makes him or her happy. In this instance- it is difficult to say. Sexually- could I be happy with a man? For sure- no problem. The same for a woman? Yes! With a man, could I be emotionally satisfied? I'm unsure... I honestly don't know. With a woman- Yes.

So, you see- my level of confusion is HIGH.

peace & love
cam