We're supposed to know something about ourselves... something concrete- something that has value. Today is my twentieth birthday and I don't know anything about me. Sure- there are little things... things that make me who I am- but they're changeable.
What about myself never changes? What beliefs do I foster that will never go away? What is it about me that, if you took it away- I wouldn't be me anymore?
20 years old...
damn
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
getting old?
Wouldn't it be great to APPEAR young forever?
I think I'd like to be done at 85... but look 25...
hrmmm
I think I'd like to be done at 85... but look 25...
hrmmm
Friday, April 11, 2008
Hardly
touch my soul
find my love
and use if to your advantage
because what we say and what we mean
are
two separate realms of existence
like a fire- it burns
yet I'm cold... freezing cold
the warmth doesn't touch me
it runs- finds a worthy hose
to transfer emotion
i am numb now
and the sickness grows
with each breath
i hold-- try not to breathe
but your eyes...
they take my breath away
they stop the sickness
they keep me warm
love? Hardly...
find my love
and use if to your advantage
because what we say and what we mean
are
two separate realms of existence
like a fire- it burns
yet I'm cold... freezing cold
the warmth doesn't touch me
it runs- finds a worthy hose
to transfer emotion
i am numb now
and the sickness grows
with each breath
i hold-- try not to breathe
but your eyes...
they take my breath away
they stop the sickness
they keep me warm
love? Hardly...
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Gay Men Suck (Continued)
Just over two and a half months ago- I met a guy. He is fun, smart, cute, and mentally stimulating (a huge plus). This guy and I talked for a couple weeks before I made a move... a quick kiss- in my car. It was short, sweet, and had sexy written all over it. From that moment on- I was hooked on what I didn't know; I needed to know.
He's the first guy... the first guy I ever started to develop feelings for- and it felt scary. I distanced myself to an extent that confused him and, ultimately, paved the way for the absolute worst event- he hooked up with his ex-boyfriend.
We never had a discussion regarding exclusivity- even though he alluded to wanting that from me many, many times. Officially- we weren't... he and I were not in a relationship. Of course- regardless of that fact, it still hurt me- a lot.
I'm an idiot, though. Just recently, I have decided to try and make it work with this guy. For some reason- regardless of all the shit that has happened, it seems to me- worth it. I mean- there are so many things about him that I find interesting, and smart. That's not something that I come across often- at all (especially in this town). Why is it that, after this shitty situation, I am willing to put myself out there ONCE AGAIN- fully realizing that there is a potential for him to do this again.
the conversation is great
the sex is phenomenal
he is amazing
gay men suck
He's the first guy... the first guy I ever started to develop feelings for- and it felt scary. I distanced myself to an extent that confused him and, ultimately, paved the way for the absolute worst event- he hooked up with his ex-boyfriend.
We never had a discussion regarding exclusivity- even though he alluded to wanting that from me many, many times. Officially- we weren't... he and I were not in a relationship. Of course- regardless of that fact, it still hurt me- a lot.
I'm an idiot, though. Just recently, I have decided to try and make it work with this guy. For some reason- regardless of all the shit that has happened, it seems to me- worth it. I mean- there are so many things about him that I find interesting, and smart. That's not something that I come across often- at all (especially in this town). Why is it that, after this shitty situation, I am willing to put myself out there ONCE AGAIN- fully realizing that there is a potential for him to do this again.
the conversation is great
the sex is phenomenal
he is amazing
gay men suck
Sunday, March 30, 2008
gay men suck
What is the condition of love and relationships in 2008? In what direction are we headed?
more to come...
more to come...
Monday, March 24, 2008
Never build walls in this life; it isn't worth it to compartmentalize anything. Our passions mixed with experience create and emotion- what that emotion is, unfortunately, is not up to us. The reaction to that emotion, however, is what we have complete control over. Life is too short to be unhappy- or stressed. Of course- these things will happen. When stuck in traffic- don't be stuck. Listen to your favorite song- call up a friend you haven't spoken with in awhile. Never be the victim in any episode of life.
Lately my greatest therapy is to smile. It does wonders for the body- and the soul.
Lately my greatest therapy is to smile. It does wonders for the body- and the soul.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Thursday, February 7, 2008
UPDATE: I am not a depressed headcase... I swear.
Tuesday:
Tuesday was pretty interesting. I woke up- immediately realizing what month it was (My brother who passed away in September has a birthday on the 22nd of this month), and almost immediately after that was when I started to feel a little upset. I had class at 11:00-- which is a worthless event in and of itself (the class is bullshit), came home, and took a MUCH NEEDED nap. When I woke up- I had several text messages requesting my appearance at the bars... Mardi Gras.
Next thing I know I'm in the shower blaring a Britney song and getting ready to go. After that, I'm on my way to get the boys. On my way, I noticed that the snow was coming down pretty hard (this was about 10:00 P.M.). Not paying much attention to that situation- I stopped off at a friends house, had a couple of drinks and left again; still- the snow was coming down pretty hard. As soon as I had reached my second to last destination- it was already two inches deep (not a big deal, right?). I packed everyone in my car, drove to the bars, and had a good night. That is... until they called LAST CALL and we went outside to find six inches of fresh powder covering the streets of Lawrence (and my car). Being the driver means you have to drop people off! How disappointing... What's worse is I had my roommate with me and, since my apartment is closest to the bars, he was the first to be dropped off! Uhg... whatever- it's not a big deal. I didn't get in an accident- if that's what you were thinking. Just giving you the little update on Tuesday night.
Wednesday:
SNOW DAY! Can you fucking beleive it? This University never EVER, EVER cancels class... and they called a fucking snow day. I was so shocked- it's not even funny. Because it was snowing so much- I stayed at a friends house; slept in til' 10:00, and headed back to my apartment to do some more sleeping. By the time I had woken up at 2:30- the roads were clear! So, realizing that I had spent around $50.00 at the bars the night before, I knew I had to make my way to O.P. and grab some dough from my parents (fresh out after that little adventure).
Then I came home, took a shower- and went to sleep again! It's so interesting, my life- right?
Currently- I am sitting on campus at a univeristy computer (which so convienently sports a label stating how I paid for the machine) getting ready to go into my 11:00 A.M. BULLSHIT class and loving life.
Ain't it a bitch, though?
Tuesday:
Tuesday was pretty interesting. I woke up- immediately realizing what month it was (My brother who passed away in September has a birthday on the 22nd of this month), and almost immediately after that was when I started to feel a little upset. I had class at 11:00-- which is a worthless event in and of itself (the class is bullshit), came home, and took a MUCH NEEDED nap. When I woke up- I had several text messages requesting my appearance at the bars... Mardi Gras.
Next thing I know I'm in the shower blaring a Britney song and getting ready to go. After that, I'm on my way to get the boys. On my way, I noticed that the snow was coming down pretty hard (this was about 10:00 P.M.). Not paying much attention to that situation- I stopped off at a friends house, had a couple of drinks and left again; still- the snow was coming down pretty hard. As soon as I had reached my second to last destination- it was already two inches deep (not a big deal, right?). I packed everyone in my car, drove to the bars, and had a good night. That is... until they called LAST CALL and we went outside to find six inches of fresh powder covering the streets of Lawrence (and my car). Being the driver means you have to drop people off! How disappointing... What's worse is I had my roommate with me and, since my apartment is closest to the bars, he was the first to be dropped off! Uhg... whatever- it's not a big deal. I didn't get in an accident- if that's what you were thinking. Just giving you the little update on Tuesday night.
Wednesday:
SNOW DAY! Can you fucking beleive it? This University never EVER, EVER cancels class... and they called a fucking snow day. I was so shocked- it's not even funny. Because it was snowing so much- I stayed at a friends house; slept in til' 10:00, and headed back to my apartment to do some more sleeping. By the time I had woken up at 2:30- the roads were clear! So, realizing that I had spent around $50.00 at the bars the night before, I knew I had to make my way to O.P. and grab some dough from my parents (fresh out after that little adventure).
Then I came home, took a shower- and went to sleep again! It's so interesting, my life- right?
Currently- I am sitting on campus at a univeristy computer (which so convienently sports a label stating how I paid for the machine) getting ready to go into my 11:00 A.M. BULLSHIT class and loving life.
Ain't it a bitch, though?
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
When certain feelings or emotions collide with one another- the result doesn't always appear to be happy. I'm lost. I'm so scared- and alone... and I know this- and it hurts. But I'm wading... taking on water and I'm about to sink.
My mother and I haven't spoken in a month. My brother died just this past September- and I'm just now feeling the shock.
My method is in my smile... and as long as I'm doing that- as long as I keep smiling... I'll be fine.
My mother and I haven't spoken in a month. My brother died just this past September- and I'm just now feeling the shock.
My method is in my smile... and as long as I'm doing that- as long as I keep smiling... I'll be fine.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
word
Songs I'm ADDICTED to:
Nicole Scherzinger:Puakenikeni
The Bird and the Bee: Fucking Boyfriend
Sugababes: Hole in the Head
Rihanna: Don't Stop The Music
Ultra: Sun in SHINING
Beyonce: Green Light
This week has been really, really interesting. I've been buying itunes music like crazy- and it's hitting the bank account HARD. I've been going to class and everything has been really good... like- fun... and it's exciting.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
We think that we're so educated on life when everything is going smoothly. We're under the impression that nothing can hurt us- half the time. It has always been my experience that- when things appear to be going smoothly... I am anticipating disaster.
I guess you could say that it's a terrible way to look at the world. My life has not been easy to say the least- so I find this cushion of doubt to be quite comfortable when a bomb happens to drop. In life you get as many chances as you need... as you want- really. I am only now seeing that I have not taken every opportunity to be a happier person. I'm doing myself an injustice.
I know I've said it a thousand times on this blog- but shit... we just want to be happy. We just want the chance to go out and feel free to be who we are, think as we wish, and become the individuals that we see ourselves being. There are, of course, those little moments when we're unable to deal... and those are the stepping stones to achieving happiness.
Today was a terrible day.
I guess you could say that it's a terrible way to look at the world. My life has not been easy to say the least- so I find this cushion of doubt to be quite comfortable when a bomb happens to drop. In life you get as many chances as you need... as you want- really. I am only now seeing that I have not taken every opportunity to be a happier person. I'm doing myself an injustice.
I know I've said it a thousand times on this blog- but shit... we just want to be happy. We just want the chance to go out and feel free to be who we are, think as we wish, and become the individuals that we see ourselves being. There are, of course, those little moments when we're unable to deal... and those are the stepping stones to achieving happiness.
Today was a terrible day.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
A Poison Tree
I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.
And I watered it in fears,
Night and morning with my tears;
And I sunned it with smiles,
And with soft deceitful wiles.
And it gew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright;
And my foe beheld it shine,
And he knew that it was mine,
And into my garden stole
When the night had veiled the pole:
In the morning glad I see
My foe outstretched beneath the three.
-- William Blake
Word for word- this poem represents my relationship with my roommate, Zach. He and I are both gay and, on more than one occasion, he has admitted to me that sees me as a threat to his friendships and lifestyle. I, personally, don't agree... for if I really found him a threat I'd be setting him up for disaster like the foe in this poem.
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.
And I watered it in fears,
Night and morning with my tears;
And I sunned it with smiles,
And with soft deceitful wiles.
And it gew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright;
And my foe beheld it shine,
And he knew that it was mine,
And into my garden stole
When the night had veiled the pole:
In the morning glad I see
My foe outstretched beneath the three.
-- William Blake
Word for word- this poem represents my relationship with my roommate, Zach. He and I are both gay and, on more than one occasion, he has admitted to me that sees me as a threat to his friendships and lifestyle. I, personally, don't agree... for if I really found him a threat I'd be setting him up for disaster like the foe in this poem.
Monday, January 21, 2008
what.the.fuck
Really... I'm not even that cute. I just want to go out and have a good time. I don't want you guys to grab my ass... I don't want you to talk a bunch of bullshit in my ear... I just want to RELAX.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
When we're not open about being gay... it's entirely too easy for us to handle social pressure. If someone doesn't like us- that's fine... because we're not really being ourselves. However, once we've come out... it's like we're entirely different animals.
At every stage of life we are presented with a new set of social standards. We're expected to act a certain way, dress a certain way; some would even go as far as to say that we are ultimately destined to LIVE a certain way. This is wrong- this is unlife.
I came out nearly a year ago at the age of eighteen. Prior to that day I was living in denial. If someone had an issue with me or my personality, it wasn't a problem; that person didn't really know me. Now that I've come out, though, I find myself nervous in certain social situations. I catch myself wondering whether or not to say something... or backtracking and reliving what I'd already said in order to be safe. For some strange reason, I have this inability to accept social criticism when I am being entirely MYSELF.
This is what pulls me away from my homosexuality; a new set of emotions regarding awareness. Ultimately- this is what I need to change. Not only do I have to realize that being who I am is as good as it gets- but I also have to operate in a state of mind that forces me to believe that other people think this way too.
lovin' all of you,
cammo
At every stage of life we are presented with a new set of social standards. We're expected to act a certain way, dress a certain way; some would even go as far as to say that we are ultimately destined to LIVE a certain way. This is wrong- this is unlife.
I came out nearly a year ago at the age of eighteen. Prior to that day I was living in denial. If someone had an issue with me or my personality, it wasn't a problem; that person didn't really know me. Now that I've come out, though, I find myself nervous in certain social situations. I catch myself wondering whether or not to say something... or backtracking and reliving what I'd already said in order to be safe. For some strange reason, I have this inability to accept social criticism when I am being entirely MYSELF.
This is what pulls me away from my homosexuality; a new set of emotions regarding awareness. Ultimately- this is what I need to change. Not only do I have to realize that being who I am is as good as it gets- but I also have to operate in a state of mind that forces me to believe that other people think this way too.
lovin' all of you,
cammo
Thursday, January 10, 2008
New York City is calling my name. I hear her... but a lack of cash is preventing me from getting there.
To be honest, I don't really know where this obsession with the city came from. I've only been once and apparently that's all it took. I think that I have a real future there- in the city... and if I apply myself to this PR internship- moving there could be a major reality!
I've often wondered, though- what would my life look like if that was the decision that I chose to make. If, in fact, I did have enough money to move to the city... what would I do? Where would I meet people? Would the first couple of months be spent in solitude? Would I fall in love?
I have a fear that my vision of life in the city is so SEX AND THE CITY. I mean- I have to know somewhere in the back of my mind that life isn't going to be like that fantasy world. However, if it were- or the possibility of something like that happening were true... shouldn't I at least try?
I'm all about envisioning things now- accepting the fact that the universe does listen if you project the right thoughts. I need to focus on this a lot more if I want to get where I know I should be going.
Oh well... we'll see.
If anyone out there wants to pay my way to NYC... I'm down!
To be honest, I don't really know where this obsession with the city came from. I've only been once and apparently that's all it took. I think that I have a real future there- in the city... and if I apply myself to this PR internship- moving there could be a major reality!
I've often wondered, though- what would my life look like if that was the decision that I chose to make. If, in fact, I did have enough money to move to the city... what would I do? Where would I meet people? Would the first couple of months be spent in solitude? Would I fall in love?
I have a fear that my vision of life in the city is so SEX AND THE CITY. I mean- I have to know somewhere in the back of my mind that life isn't going to be like that fantasy world. However, if it were- or the possibility of something like that happening were true... shouldn't I at least try?
I'm all about envisioning things now- accepting the fact that the universe does listen if you project the right thoughts. I need to focus on this a lot more if I want to get where I know I should be going.
Oh well... we'll see.
If anyone out there wants to pay my way to NYC... I'm down!
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
So I got into a major fight with my roommate last night. Until about midnight last night I was completely clueless as to what had happened the night before. Zach filled me in on some things- and then proceeded to tell me that the guy I had made out with slept in Zach's bed and gave him a blow job. Yum, right?
I'm not in love with the guy or anything- I WAS attracted... but it's definitely a whorish action on both their parts. Zach is not a looker by any stretch of the imagination (maybe I'm not either) and, in my opinion, the guy that "blew him off" made a bad decision (he was also drunk).
The only reason Zach tells me these things, however, is to try and make me feel upset. Zach has some serious body conscious issues and every time someone hooks up with him he likes to rub it in my face. 100% Annoying...
All this makes me want to do is work out harder and be even more in shape than I am now (which is exactly what I'm going to do). I know it sounds like I'm hitting him at his level- but if someone is going to try that hard to hurt me... why wouldn't I take advantage of an opportunity to hurt him while also improving the health and appearance of my body?
You guys are great.
this shit is like therapy
Monday, January 7, 2008
simple breath to take
undefined resolution
an expensive drink
I don't really know what 2008 has in store for me. I know that- as a modification of the self- I want to take better care of... myself; not strictly health wise- but really take care of myself. Increase knowledge, live life... be happy- all that jazz. It all sound so appealing.
This semester- grades are a must. I can't dick around anymore. The internship is helping me out in the long run... I have to hit that GPA hard.
I've yet to find someone... I think I'm too reserved. Maybe I should just succumb and have sex- stop holding back because I'm afraid of what might happen. Isn't lust worth it? That feeling of being so close to another person? Why am I scared... because this gay life terrifies me.
I want to change up my personality- make beneficial modifications. I want to be more laid back and less concerned with everything that's around me.
I'd like to start meditating... even though I don't know how.
breathe people
cammo
Sunday, January 6, 2008
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