word


Songs I'm ADDICTED to:

Nicole Scherzinger:Puakenikeni
The Bird and the Bee: Fucking Boyfriend
Sugababes: Hole in the Head
Rihanna: Don't Stop The Music
Ultra: Sun in SHINING
Beyonce: Green Light

This week has been really, really interesting. I've been buying itunes music like crazy- and it's hitting the bank account HARD. I've been going to class and everything has been really good... like- fun... and it's exciting.

We think that we're so educated on life when everything is going smoothly. We're under the impression that nothing can hurt us- half the time. It has always been my experience that- when things appear to be going smoothly... I am anticipating disaster.

I guess you could say that it's a terrible way to look at the world. My life has not been easy to say the least- so I find this cushion of doubt to be quite comfortable when a bomb happens to drop. In life you get as many chances as you need... as you want- really. I am only now seeing that I have not taken every opportunity to be a happier person. I'm doing myself an injustice.

I know I've said it a thousand times on this blog- but shit... we just want to be happy. We just want the chance to go out and feel free to be who we are, think as we wish, and become the individuals that we see ourselves being. There are, of course, those little moments when we're unable to deal... and those are the stepping stones to achieving happiness.

Today was a terrible day.

A Poison Tree

I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.

And I watered it in fears,
Night and morning with my tears;
And I sunned it with smiles,
And with soft deceitful wiles.

And it gew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright;
And my foe beheld it shine,
And he knew that it was mine,

And into my garden stole
When the night had veiled the pole:
In the morning glad I see
My foe outstretched beneath the three.

-- William Blake

Word for word- this poem represents my relationship with my roommate, Zach. He and I are both gay and, on more than one occasion, he has admitted to me that sees me as a threat to his friendships and lifestyle. I, personally, don't agree... for if I really found him a threat I'd be setting him up for disaster like the foe in this poem.

what.the.fuck

Really... I'm not even that cute. I just want to go out and have a good time. I don't want you guys to grab my ass... I don't want you to talk a bunch of bullshit in my ear... I just want to RELAX.

When we're not open about being gay... it's entirely too easy for us to handle social pressure. If someone doesn't like us- that's fine... because we're not really being ourselves. However, once we've come out... it's like we're entirely different animals.

At every stage of life we are presented with a new set of social standards. We're expected to act a certain way, dress a certain way; some would even go as far as to say that we are ultimately destined to LIVE a certain way. This is wrong- this is unlife.

I came out nearly a year ago at the age of eighteen. Prior to that day I was living in denial. If someone had an issue with me or my personality, it wasn't a problem; that person didn't really know me. Now that I've come out, though, I find myself nervous in certain social situations. I catch myself wondering whether or not to say something... or backtracking and reliving what I'd already said in order to be safe. For some strange reason, I have this inability to accept social criticism when I am being entirely MYSELF.

This is what pulls me away from my homosexuality; a new set of emotions regarding awareness. Ultimately- this is what I need to change. Not only do I have to realize that being who I am is as good as it gets- but I also have to operate in a state of mind that forces me to believe that other people think this way too.

lovin' all of you,

cammo

New York City is calling my name. I hear her... but a lack of cash is preventing me from getting there.

To be honest, I don't really know where this obsession with the city came from. I've only been once and apparently that's all it took. I think that I have a real future there- in the city... and if I apply myself to this PR internship- moving there could be a major reality!

I've often wondered, though- what would my life look like if that was the decision that I chose to make. If, in fact, I did have enough money to move to the city... what would I do? Where would I meet people? Would the first couple of months be spent in solitude? Would I fall in love?

I have a fear that my vision of life in the city is so SEX AND THE CITY. I mean- I have to know somewhere in the back of my mind that life isn't going to be like that fantasy world. However, if it were- or the possibility of something like that happening were true... shouldn't I at least try?

I'm all about envisioning things now- accepting the fact that the universe does listen if you project the right thoughts. I need to focus on this a lot more if I want to get where I know I should be going.

Oh well... we'll see.

If anyone out there wants to pay my way to NYC... I'm down!

the



many



shades of gray

It feels like it's been way too long since I've felt any warmth. I need to go someplace tropical: spring break 08'

Choices:
1) Brazil- RECIEFE
2) Puerto Vallarta
3) New York City
4) Los Angeles, California
5) STAY home

what to do... what to do...

I'm horny as hell by the way
uhg

ENUR
<3

pigged out today
hardcore...
oh well- work out hard in the morning : )

So I got into a major fight with my roommate last night. Until about midnight last night I was completely clueless as to what had happened the night before. Zach filled me in on some things- and then proceeded to tell me that the guy I had made out with slept in Zach's bed and gave him a blow job. Yum, right?

I'm not in love with the guy or anything- I WAS attracted... but it's definitely a whorish action on both their parts. Zach is not a looker by any stretch of the imagination (maybe I'm not either) and, in my opinion, the guy that "blew him off" made a bad decision (he was also drunk).

The only reason Zach tells me these things, however, is to try and make me feel upset. Zach has some serious body conscious issues and every time someone hooks up with him he likes to rub it in my face. 100% Annoying...

All this makes me want to do is work out harder and be even more in shape than I am now (which is exactly what I'm going to do). I know it sounds like I'm hitting him at his level- but if someone is going to try that hard to hurt me... why wouldn't I take advantage of an opportunity to hurt him while also improving the health and appearance of my body?

You guys are great.
this shit is like therapy

simple breath to take
undefined resolution
an expensive drink


I don't really know what 2008 has in store for me. I know that- as a modification of the self- I want to take better care of... myself; not strictly health wise- but really take care of myself. Increase knowledge, live life... be happy- all that jazz. It all sound so appealing.

This semester- grades are a must. I can't dick around anymore. The internship is helping me out in the long run... I have to hit that GPA hard.

I've yet to find someone... I think I'm too reserved. Maybe I should just succumb and have sex- stop holding back because I'm afraid of what might happen. Isn't lust worth it? That feeling of being so close to another person? Why am I scared... because this gay life terrifies me.

I want to change up my personality- make beneficial modifications. I want to be more laid back and less concerned with everything that's around me.

I'd like to start meditating... even though I don't know how.

breathe people
cammo

I do not feel well.
Don't Binge Drink
It Is NOT good FOR you!

I am having major issues with a friend
I just got put at the head of a major assignment at my internship- and it's going to be very stressful
school starts in like... 8 days

2008 be kind to me.

I want to drink tonight... but there is almost no one in Lawrence.
BULLSHIT