My coming out story + more

It was an unusually cold night in March when I made the decision to go ahead and tell my parents that I'm gay. I was sitting in my dorm study room, working on some math homework- when that overall feeling of guilt every closeted gay man feels came over me. I decided right then and there, staring blankly at the gibberish on page 124 of my calc 1 textbook, that it was time to "come out." I packed up my shit, dropped my bag off in my room, and headed out to the parking lot. It was 7:30 P.M. I told myself that they would know by 8:45.

I remember sitting in my truck for a minute before I actually started it. The key was in the ignition and, because the door wasn't shut entirely, my truck was making that annoying beeping sound. I looked at my cell phone and the clock read 7:45. I had been sitting there for nearly 20 minutes just thinking. With that instant realization I turned the key; no turning back.

It wasn't half a second after I backed the truck out of the space that Mika's "Love Today" started blaring through the speakers. I had left my ipod in the truck just before going to the gym and, apparently, I didn't shut it off when leaving. I took it as a good sign and, to be honest, it made me feel a little bit better about the situation.

After about 40 minutes of mindless driving (way too much on my mind) I finally realized where I was. In an instant, as if I had just been slapped in the face, I noticed that I was taking the right turn into my neighborhood... the right turn that led to the immediate left and another right four houses down. Oh...my...god... I was at my house, randomly on a SCHOOL NIGHT. My parents were surely to know something was up- and they did.

Even before I was in the driveway they knew I was home. My truck had some exhaust modifcations that made it sound pretty good; a thunder if you will. Anyway- as soon as I pushed the button listed as "garage" my step mom poked her head out of the door and stood. I got out of the truck, walked into the garage and she said "whats wrong with you?"

"Nothing," I replied, nervous and aghast at her instantaneous realization of my mood. "I just wanted to come home for some REAL FOOD."

I walked into the house and it was exactly how I had pictured it would be. My dad was sitting in the hearth room in a pair of spongebob pajama bottoms and a KU sweatshirt watching the discovery channel. I came in, plopped down on the couch and said, "sup?"

I now realize how straight I was attempting to come off that entire moment. I would later find out that it was obvious I was so gay. Nevertheless- I was having second thoughts. I wasn't sure that it was the right time. My step mom didn't make second guessing myself any easier, though.

"So what's the deal," she said. "Why are you home this late on a school night? Why did you decide to drive in?"
"Uhh- well- you see... like I said- I was pretty hungry and school was stressing me out. I guess I just needed a change of scenery."
"Uh huh," she said. "I think you're lying."

This woman is good. She knew from the moment I stepped into that garage that something was on my mind. It was at that point that I decided to do it.

"Well," I said. "Well- you know... there are just some things about me - well, within me; I don't understand it all yet... and this is really hard to come out and say to you guys."

"What's happening," said my dad. "What's going on? Are you OK? Did you get someone pregnant? DO YOU NEED MONEY? I HAVE MONEY- HERE- I'LL WRITE YOU A CHECK NOW!"

As soon as he was finished speaking my step mom broke into tears. She yelled at him to shut up and to let me talk. She said that I had something really important to say. After she said that- it was lift off. With my head hanging low and staring straight at the floor- I blurted out "I'm Gay."

"Oh...," said my dad. "Well- why didn't you just saying something. You had me all worried that something BAD was happening. I have a lot of gay friends Cameron- whether you know that or not. Being gay isn't anything to be ashamed of. I love you so much more than you will ever know- and you are fine. This is fine. We, as a family, are completely fine."

I guess I can't be too shocked at what he said. He is the most sentimental man I have ever met in my entire life.
Finally- after so much waiting... so much negative anticipation for something that was so easy- I was free. I was free to be me and do what I wanted to do FOR ME. It was the biggest weight off my shoulders.

I don't know, exactly, why I thought it was necessary for me to tell this story. I guess it's because I'm having so many reservations about my homosexuality today. As I sit here- pounding away on this keyboard to a bunch of strangers- I know I'm gay. I know that, at the end of the day, I prefer the touch of a man as opposed to the feel of a woman. I know these things. What I don't know, however, is who am I as a gay man. I'm certainly not flamboyant like I've been trying to be for everyone else. I'm certainly not interested in taking on that "closeted out guy" persona either. I want the people who matter in my life to know that I am gay... but I don't want this to define me.

I think a lot of this is a lack of "guys, guys" gay guys in my life. I haven't met one masculine gay man and it's getting to me. I would love nothing more than to have a significant other in my life who I could not only be physical with- but be friends with to. I want a guy in my life that wants to do go and play a pick up game of basketball with me at the gym AND actually know how to play. I want a guy who would rather go see an action flick than a stupid musical about HAIRSPRAY.
I'm not looking for perfect. Perfect is boring. I'm looking for compatibility... and I haven't found it thus far. Where- when.. I don't know. Soon I hope... cause I'm breaking down.