Uhggg. I just got out of my Western Civ class and it was a total slap in the face... by fucking reality! I'm so sick of this shit! My classes are so mundane and boring it makes me want to vomit.

This morning was good tough, I'm not too picky. But I wont lie- I took the dropping of my cell phone onto the edge of the curb and subsequent bouncing onto the pavement as a bad sign. Since then- things have been bueno.

I've been trying to come up with reasons as to why I am so mixed about the Ryan situation. I texted him last nigt and asked him if he was seeing anyone else (it wouldn't matter if he had). He said he had gone out on a few dates before me, but not I have his "full attention." I replied with a clever, "It wouldn't have mattered, but I want you to know that you have my undivided as well."

... I think he liked that.

On one hand, I see the potential for he and I to be a couple. On the other, however, I am questioning whether or not I want that in my life. He is so cute and such a nice guy... I just don't feel it 100% yet.
Part of me also beleives that we might be moving a little fast. On the second date he and I had already slept together (no sex-literally sleep) and made out. On the third- lots of feeling... last night- even more feeing. The fourth date is sure to bring some contact of a more pleasurable nature. Am I ready for this? I think so... I guess I'm afraid of being used- but then again... whose using who?

As a first timer, however, there are some things that I am... well- concerned about going into my first gay sexual experience. I mean, just because I'm a gay man doesn't mean that I don't compete like a straight one. What if Ryan is bigger than me? That would be so embarrassing (however, I don't believe it to be so, as I have never felt him enough to make me think he was stacked)! What if I'm not doing something right- or I end up giving bad head or something. God- I feel like a 15 year old girl who is about to give her first hand-job.
I know, I know. It's really stupid for me to be concerned about all of this shit. All I should be focusing on is whether or not I'm going to have a good time.

I have also found myself wondering when the appropriate time to have sex is. Questions...???